I think things are starting to clear up a bit… just a little bit.

I cannot even begin to describe my detestable feelings towards waking up later than usual (10am) and toping it off by lounging at home with no goal but to procrastinate my duties till maybe the point I stop even considering them. Ugh, I hate that feeling. But come to think of it, part of this feeling is brought on because I feel “out-of-it” and don’t want the world to see me in this “mess” and me being “out-of-control.” (When I mean out of control, I’m talking about my major bed head, my ‘yet-to-apply-make-up’ hideous face, and my teenage emotions…) I’m just too tired or perhaps, lazy would be a more accurately description as too why I don’t even bother fixing those things, and inevitably lead to my “lounging” at home.

Okay okay, so it’s not the fact that I don’t HAVE anything to do on a Saturday morning, just that I brought it on myself by not choosing to do it and fixing my “issues”. But maybe if people called me up for something to drink at Starbucks? (pause and thinks) Mmm… no. Even then, I would still have to face my hair, and make up, and emotional wound ups, which I just want to give it up for one day.

I’ve realized that now, that I cannot leave the house being perfectly groomed or.. “society-seen-decent”, presay. I cannot leave the house without my hair being flipped-up, CANNOT leave without make up (except if i was going out at night and no one will see me), and definitely cannot leave the house without setting my emotions straight, or to easily put it this way, hiding them and shoving them under something for the time being. I honestly don’t think I would have the self-confidence and the power to maneuver in an ordinary day without fixing those things. Which really brings me down when I think of it. I mean, make up? hair? Why am I so shallow? This ULTIMATELY gives me an idea of how to change this…

ALL IN ALL, I am going to Africa. (or South America, Asia, or any other place that deals with poverty in comparison to Canada.. which is practically every other continent)

I am not crazy, I’ve decided I will go to Africa and teach little kids. Teach them English, teach them to love music, teach them that they can turn every painful moment in their lives into a musical ballot, and what not. Guys, I’m not joking. I’ve already decided to graduate half a semester early, so I can embark on this journey. (Do I hear some encouragement?)  Besides, it’s another slammin’ good reason to get dreads.

First off, I’d like to complain and rant about the feeling of being envious. When I read about his msn names, and finding them to be about her,  it just jabs me in the heart… like everything else in life.

I can hardly breathe right now.

All I can do right now, is add to the mashed-up-everything.

But I know, every drop in life, i’d have to go up some how, somday, i’ll get out of this mess. Someday I dont’ have to shed a tear.

Feel so empty.

Feel unmotivated and discouraged about… pratically everything.

Gawd, I really need a job. I am beyond pushing myself now to find that job, and everything I do just seems futile. I handed in resumes to every possible location within my transportation distance. What else can I do? Sometimes, things like “if you work hard enough, you’ll get what you want”… are just overrated cliches.

Can’t someone just give me a job, I need it to feed my family, will anyone even listen to my cries? I just need a chance.. just one…

P.S Rely on God, rely on God, rely.. on.. God.  THIS IS TOO HARD.

Breathing in these words…

Why do we do the things we do / How can we sing when there seems no reason to / How do we smile when there’s not much to smile about / When the world is down who are we to stand and shout / They wonder why we do the things we do / It’s all because of this / It’s all because of this / We’ve tasted love, tasted hope, tasted holiness / And they wonder why, we do the things we do…

Tonight was one of those nights that I always hoped for and didn’t even know it. I haven’t felt this complete and.. and I don’t know. I just feel.. good and alive. (maybe it’s just the tea) but I have this joy in my heart and that whatever is coming tomorrow is just a little bump on the road. What’s so special about tonight you might ask? Well, Irene and I went to Starbucks on Main Street Unionville and just sat on the second level couches overlooking the street filled with young delinquents smoking their cancer sticks. But otherwise, yes, we were having our usual talks (about God mostly) and in the midst of the climax of my comment on the unfairness of God, 3 brown (sorry, not trying to sound racist, but how else can i describe them? dark? no..) men approached us and 2 sat on the couches across us and one on a chair in process of trying to steal our couches. But Samie, the one on the chair, turned to us with a bright smile and asked us what we’re talkin about. Irene and I giggled and just continued talking til he asked us again. Then I realized that its’ about time that I engage them into our conversation just to be polite. I asked them if any of them had a Christian background, none of them nodded but instead were Muslims. Cool I thought, and without even introducing each other, we engaged in a long conversation about religions, specifically Islam and Christianity. (so glad I took world religions class) And we just went on and on, until Alex brought up the issue of introducing ourselves, and we did. And shortly after talking about school and our age differences!! (sayid – 31 Alex – 22 and Samie – 20 something) we were kicked out by those green-aproned starbucks workers cause it was time for closing.

I don’t know, something about talking to strangers, and actually getting into a real good conversation about anything, even controversial things at times, is so fulfilling in a sense. I don’t know how, but its’ like, you don’t even know this person and it’s like you have so much in common and you can tell them anything. It’s the great sense of knowing that one is capable of building a relationship with someone totally out of your realm of familiarity and comfort that really gives you that zing of surprise and frolic. And the best thing is, you lose your sense of time and when you walk away.. everything just seems like a dream. I just love those moments. If i get to choose, I would sit on that couch forever. One conversation after the other… 

My eyes are poofy, I added to the mashed-up-everything again. But this time, it’s different. The sun came out…

——-

8:32pm

(mumbling) God will take care of me. All I have to do is let him. He’ll lead me and he’ll help me in times of trouble. Rejoice in my sufferings. Don’t worry, be happy. Nothing to worry about. He will take care of me. All I have to do is let him… This is hard.

At the library right now trying to research the ‘history of deja vu’, it’s not goign too well, I dont’ think, considering I am websurfing at this moment and I am only allow to have 1 hour each day at the library computers. My time is running at 22 minutes. 22 minutes till they kick me off. Where the heck did my tax money go? (This is stupid, they should make it so its unlimited.. no nevermind, stupid punk kids with neo pets will camp at the computers… okay maybe.. 2 hours)

Today’s not exactly the nicest day, I must admit. The sky.. the sky.. mmm looking out the window right now… the sky doesn’t even have a frikken sun!! Oh please come out! But hey… at least it’s not raining. I hate it when it rains.

Yesterday night was quite nice. I walked back from Lara’s house in the dark with Eric and it wasn’t too cold nor too hot. There was a slight breeze blowing past my cheeks, my hair, making me feel.. so adequate at that moment. Like I don’t have to care about finding a job, school ISUs, parents.. God. The only thing missing was the stars in the sky. I counted. There were only two bright stars shining. Maybe there will be more tonight…

———

6:43pm

The sky is falling in a form of liquid, and I feel my heart plummet everytime it hits the ground. Sad how when they reach the ground, they just merge together, into something, not having their own individual identity anymore. And funny how things feel the same way sometimes, i fall and everything just mashes together, all mixed up, don’t know my priorities, don’t know who i am anymore. I hate losing control, i hate it. Then I think about you, telling myself over and over again that I got over you, that you have someone else to devote to, but deep down inside, do i believe that? I get frustrated with life, and everything just condense into one black ball. Then it was my turn to add to the mashed-up-everything.

———

9:58pm

Feeling those Chinese feel-good movies right now. Gonna go see if there is any on tv…

P.S  There was thunder and lightning today, I liked it.

I need to chillax, sit a little, read alittle, drink tea a little while desperately in search of my stars in the new spring sky. You know, I just need some rest. Before I go into a breakdown, which I already feel it anticipating…

get ready..

“Why do chips have that kind of power over us!!” Said by my dear friend, Irene. Her and I, both devoured 5 little bags of variety of chips. Cheetos, Doritos, Ruffles, you name it! And perhaps the size of the chips may be small, (and some people actually eat that much) it’s utterly disgusting!! I usually don’t eat that much junkfood, and now my system can’t take it and I’m feeling a sore throat coming. (cough cough, oops can’t sing for choir anymore! yes!) Anyhow, I’m on my third bottle of water for the past hour, THAT’S how thirsty i am. Watch, I’m gonna die of drinking too much water… there is such thing.. right? Someone told me about that in Biology.. they have to be right.

P.S Chips are evil.

Note to self: must go watch SUPERSIZE ME, and learn a valuable lesson on chosing my food carefully…