Let’s lighten things up a bit. Here is a dedicated section to my devoted xanga readers (haha) I call it… the Nelle Turd Adventures. (yea that’s right, I bit your mascot name for me Irene!)

The Nelle Turd Adventures.

Bright sunny day outside, cannot go to the mall without at least an hour of grooming to do. When the grooming is done (which is basically me throwing on a tank and some sweats and my hair up all messy, yea I know.. what the heck), I went to the mall with mom, walking around as if I was a model, inspired by the Nike Shocks I was wearing that makes me half an inch taller. Oh the joy of overlooking someone (my mom) and the crowds (short people), oh how I wish I was tall! But anyway. that is aside from the matter. I was going up the escalator ( you know, I was never really fond of technology) and from the corner of my eyes, I thought I would see some cute guys. So I turned my head slightly to my right and next I know, I stopped paying attention to the escalator and took a step too big… and fell. —KER PLUNK!– Not only did I make an ass of myself, those ‘cute’ guys turned out to be old white men. WHAT? All this humiliation for nothing, and I felt some snickers behind me. I got up as fast as I could and straighten myself out without looking back and punching whoever the hell was snickering. I lifted my head up and my nose high in the air and said to myself: “Keep your head up and keep walking girl!” And so I did, acted as if I was the model who still owned the world, taking cautious, yet prestigious steps from her trauma of humiliation.

Note: Whoever said that big feet contributes to equilibrium of the human body is an ass themself. Obviously, that theory does not apply to me.

Watched “A Walk To Remember” again for the 100 millionth time, but that movie never cease to make me get all choked up and wished that I had the same story written for me secretly somewhere. I realized how much of dreamer I am inside, and always will be. As much as I try to hide it and put up a defence mechanism, I know I’ll always be too soft for my own good. The wish for a fairy tale has passed me by. I had a bottle of magic sand, only to be too vulnerable to leave it to the wrong beholders and let them empty it till there is only a few speck of sand left in the bottle. Anxiously, I guard what is left and let no one reach for the bottle or even try to attempt for it. Those specks of sand is what is left to hope for. Those specks of sand ARE my hope. With that, I search for my one true prince that will one day fill that bottle with my dreams, and without hesitancy, overfill it with endless love and hope.

So she asks once again: “where did her fairy tale go?”

You won’t believe it. I’m learning Downtown streets and Subway routes at ONE in the morning. I have church tomorrow.

12:31pm

Omgosh, I can’t believe I missed church. This is ridiculous. How can I DARE to sleep in, and just the night before, I was praying to him, telling him how much I loved Him. I can hardly breathe. Must go to church tonight and be part of worship. I can’t believe myself.

Note: Song’s kind of amateur, but hey, it’s nice : )

6:09pm

So it turns out that I’m not going to Unionville Alliance Church either. Oh this is sad, really sad. Someone come save me from this sadness! (I’m starting to think it’s because I’m too lazy to spend one hour each day to groom myself perfectly, but there’s no other way for me to get out there otherwise. —sigh)

P.S I wrote an AWESOME song for you, rather short. But it’s good. Not the bestest one, but still good. If only you could listen to it…

Was about to get offline yesterday, then dad came into the room and tediously asked me about this website, if i’ve ever been on it; Workopolis. “Yea dad, I have, and they’re not good” “Why” “Because, they’re like for big companies. And it doesn’t work for me. Here, go on the job banks that government provides” I showed it to him and told him all the good things about it. Suddenly he sighs pitifully and walks away, as if he felt like even his daughter did better at choosing job websites than he did. Now it’s 11am and he’s locked up in his room planning to sleep all day because he didn’t sleep at all last night. Pondering what? I don’t know, just hope he’s okay.

When dad asked me about getting a job in the summer, I felt all the pain and burden coming back. It just hits me right across the face again. I felt tears brewing up because I simply don’t want a job if the world won’t give me one and secondly, I don’t want to revolve around money. Money couldn’t and shouldn’t be the objective of anything that I do. Passion comes first. But here comes that hand again –smack!– reality hits me harder this time. I need to find a job not for my benefit, but for my family.

———–

YOU have no idea what you’ve done, do you? You have no idea what you’ve said, do you? You have no idea what kinda joke you’ve made, do you? You have no idea how I’m feeling, do you? You have absolutely no idea, what a girl in a different country is doing for you, do you?

You just have no idea.

I hate it when guys stir up something, only to leave it hanging.

Gawd , I’m sucha joke. Maybe I should just crawl into my bed and stay there like dad.

12:19pm

To someone I love dearly, Kelly Kim

I don’t know what happened. I get torn everytime I get off the phone with you. Maybe it’s because I realized that I missed you, or maybe it’s the fact that there’s already an icecold wall between us and nomatter how hard I try to break it, you keep putting one up. I reached for our grade 8 yearbook, and read your long typed message to me. I felt myself laughing at your silly comments, and crying because I wish you would talk to me like that again. All I want to do is see you and rekindle our friendship that you promise would never end. I find myself getting tired of trying nowadays, but i can’t seem to let go of someone that has been in more than half of my life. What can I do to make it up to you? What can I do to make you talk to me? Is there even a chance for me to save ourselves?

I realized that alot of things that guys tell me are just crap or sugarcoating for something and hence its name, like sugar, most of it fades away. Just like all the promises and compliments, they’re just fake stability. They build me up, only to let me fall harder in return. Maybe I should stop being so naive, and vulnerable. Your feelings… they’re just words, until you show me truly what I really mean to you.

I have TOTALLY taken advantage of this picture thing. Niiice.

Irene, happy driver.

Irene, ” stop f***ing tailgating me”

This is the rainbow I saw yesterday. I took a glance out my window and without warning, came a sky bursting in a arch of colours. This was the first time I saw a full-arch rainbow, and I was just so excited, I grabbed the digi cam and a umbrella and wrestled my way out into the storm to take these pictures. Too bad I couldn’t take the full arch — it was just too magnificent to be captured on “digi film”

First the sky was like this…

Then within five minutes…

and the finale…

Mmmm…

Okay, I was MEANING to put pictures up on my xanga, but i just can’t deal with this…. this technology advancement of putting pictures on pages cause it just comes out as broken links! GR. I can SO live without this box that all it does is waste my precious time.

It’s a way of forgetting. It’s my way to say ‘Goodbye’.

Goodbye Dave Wood.

I sat there. Looked up at the sky and all I could see was us. What once was us. I tried to look away, but the beautiful sky captivated me. Just like how I thought everything we had was just as beautiful and pure. I’m scared of the repressed memories and I shook with anxiety. I felt my face turning red and a lump in my throat. Oh why is this happening again, please just leave me alone. But little did I know, those memories became part of me, they’re scars now. The last time you wrote a song for me. The last time we had a tickle fight. That last time we tackled each other with pillows. The last time you ate Dim Sum with me. The last time you held me. The last time you kissed me behind my ear. The last time we.. danced. I remember everything from that moment. We were at Lara’s house and you took me by my hand and held my waist and danced to a commercial jingle. We laughed because we didn’t know how to slow dance properly, and you dipped me so many times, pretending you were gonna let me fall, but i knew you weren’t going to let go of me, but I still held on tight. I laughed so much because we were so silly, so innocent. That moment, we didn’t care about anything. We were ontop of the world, we were like children running through a field. Everything was alright, just having the love of each other fed us in every aspect of living.

You were a reason to live for, that I lived for. 

I called from the most sincere composition of my heart, to see if you needed help in philosophy. You said: “Yes, I was meaning to call you” I was taken back from your comment. You? meaning to call me? Since you said it with no hesistance, I believed you. You said to call back at 5:30 cause you were busy. I said: “sure” So I counted the hours till then, hmm 3 hours. So I found things to do to wither the dreading hours away.5:30. I called, you said: “I’m helping my grandpa with the pool, call me in 45 minutes to an hour or so?” “Okay” I replied. Again, I had nothing to do, so I read Plato’s Allegory of the cave and took a nap. His “allegory” was too much, I don’t understand it. I set my alarm to wake up at the time that he demanded. 6:15. I called. No one answered. 6:30 I called. Someone hung up on me.  I gave you one more chance, 6:45 I called. No one answered but the answering machine. So I decided to gather up all the notes and ride my bike to your house. When I got there, your door was opened as always, but I didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t want to see you, fear that I might just hide all these frustrated tear under a bright smile that I always offer up to you for no reason. Your lovely cat was looking at me and scratching the door as if she wanted to come out to greet me, to compensate for your pitiful absence, but she went back inside the living room. I hurried and rolled up the notes and slipped it through the door handle, hoping you would see it. And then Xena came back. As if she went and told someone that I was here and told me not to leave. I’m sorry dear, I can’t stay. I looked at her once again, smiled, and rode away from all my fears and frustrations.

Nelle’s Notepad: I was crouching over and scribbling answers furiously for the philosophy exam, and in the corner of my eye, I see you departing. I just wanted a last glimpse of you and so I looked, but didn’t know you looked my way also. Why do you still care? You looked like you wanted to wave goodbye or thank me for my notes from yesterday, but I quickly looked away and didn’t let you have the chance to say anything. Truth is, I don’t want a skimpy thank you or anything along those lines. All I want from you is… oh i don’t know. Screw this.