I need Eliot. I want Eliot. I love Eliot. AHHH Tomorrow I get to play him. Yes. Can’t wait.

(Why does it sound so wrong when you give an object a name? GEEZ people, don’t go into a frenzy now, again, let me reiterate: Eliot is my guitar.)

Hmmm…

Immature Love: I love you because I need you

Mature Love: I need you because I love you

10:50pm

Drunk @ home. Not till the point I don’t have conscious reasoning, but i’m getting a little tipsy, my face is hot, and my eyes are bloodshot. Wow, so this is how I look like when i’m drink. Go Mike’s hard!

Note: I broke a few laws today. NOT a good thing.

(groaning and whining and all the annoying stuff)

I just want to pass math.. F**********%#&^*$.. God, please just let me get 20% on my exam. (The fact that i’m praying for a 20%, gives you an idea just HOW bad i did on my exam. I even doubt myself of getting 20%. Oh yea.. its bad. Trust me.)

1:00am

Not even close to finishing studying anthro, socio, psychology. Omgosh, I’m a disaster.

Just sitting here, I realized how much I’ve changed and what I’ve become. I can’t but help thinking back in grade 9 and 10, how much i resent studying and how ‘atheist’ I was towards studying over an hour. That’s all changed now. I don’t know for sure why I’ve changed my perspective, but the question remains: Was I happier then, or am I happier now? I remember I cried furiously after getting out of English because I received a horrible mark on my Shakespeare essay. (The fact is, Mr.Boles never liked my ‘expressive’ writing) And to be honest, I really did try hard on the Shakespeare essay, only to be let down. And that’s when I broke out in tears because me giving my best didn’t measure up like how everyone said it would. But now, achieving the marks and actually come face to face to the success of my goals, gives me a sense of ineffable confidence and this empirical knowledge that no matter what I do, I just have to keep on trying to get it, and I’ll get it. But funny, how humans are never satisfied with what they get. I realised that soon, it wasn’t about self-fulfillment and achieving marks for your own good, now it involves other people and getting ahead of everyone else… to be… number one. It was ONCE for my own sake, but now, its beyond that, it’s all competition. Quite frankly, I hate the way I think. I hate how I’m marks oriented. I hate how I plot in my head, how to destroy other people to get ahead. I hate how I can be so selfish at times for the good of myself only. Gosh, what have I become. Whom shall I become?

2:22am

Still studying. My back is starting to hurt, and this chair is highly uncomfortable. Going to migrate downstairs in a moment. But I better get use to this, looks like i’m gonna pull an all nighter. Not about to give up psychology after all the work that I’ve put in that course. I will study the 15 page study sheets that I ALREADY TRIMMED DOWN (damn it), word by word if that’s what it takes. People are expecting something great from me, and so let it be. I will know everything that I need to know for the exam… I’m ready for it.

2:26am

Dear Lord, please let me pass math.

Amen.

Note to Dave (The Side Project) : I stole your song  ; ) THANKS DEAR! (giddies off –heh heh heh)

9:35pm – I really need to start studyin’. Math and Philosophy Oral exam tomorrow. Grr.. Somebody kick me off the net!

Damn. He looked good today. Took a second look, couldn’t believe it was him. “When he cleans up, he cleans up goooood.” Well all is gone now. And they’re happy… he’s happy. So that’s all that matters.

Note: I don’t need no man. Me independent. HUUUT!! (flexes non-existent muscles.) I’m a survivor….

 Well, good news everybody. I’m getting a good mark in philosophy. 93% highest in the class? Beating jeff by POINT ONE PERCENT. (har har) Irene is right, I really need to relax about the marks thing. I’m going crazy….

Another Note: Relax… BUT HOW CAN I?! exams are up!! (melting in chair)

Kinda just overheard my parents conversation about our financial situation. Let’s just say that it’s not getting any better, and in a minute or so, they’re gonna buy me a CD Discman because I so brattily asked for it.Gawd, I feel so bad.. why can’t I make my own money?

I just talk to myself okay?: MUST GET A JOB!…. in… January, after I graduate from highschool!! Can’t afford to side track from school from now till December. Summer school.. HERE I COME!

Feel like going to Florida.

Don’t have money.

 

 

 

I’LL FIND A WAY.

I miss Eliot. I really do. (Just for some of you, Eliot is my guitar.) I haven’t played him in so long and I think I’m starting to forget how to strum, or at least my skills are slowly deteriorating. —Sigh. I just want to lug it outside right now and play and sing with it in the midst of swarming mosquitos, but yet the setting sun and the sky makes it all worth while.

I just read an article in the quarterly produced magazine called ‘Maviology’. I never knew the brand ‘Mavi’ is Turkish, I thought it was another shallow brand created by the Americans to target dumb teens like us that would pay 100 + for a pair of jeans. But anyway, that wasn’t the article. Haha, the article was about Nomads. Nomads? Yea, I know. What the heck is that? Well, according to their definition, a Nomad is someone who is forced to travel/on the move to survive. (Some beggars are nomadic, but most are just stupid idiots who travel to different parts of Toronto to get money…no thats not the point of Nomads) They are usually very intune with nature, and move about according to the seasons. They find their own food mostly, and are dependent of almost nobody but themselves.

This reminds of the theory I learned in Philosophy (God, I absolutely LOVE that course. Yes, I’m a nerd) A theory by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, he says that “the primitive man lived in harmony, while the modern man distanced from his true self. Distance is caused by corruptions and the artificiality in society. People should govern themselves and return to nature.”

Mmmm…

Well, alot of interesting things happened today. Let’s start off with me getting my my nose pierced. Yep, ladies and gentlemen, I did it. I rebelled against my parents and did it with uttermost impulsitivity. Funny what my cute little singapore peer tutor who has a heavy accent but yet so keen in the English culture said, she said that my reason to get this nose ring is to get back at the stupid anthropology mark that i’m dissatisfied with, but yet it brings me joy. It’s like self-distruction, but with ful-fillment attached to it. Now’s thats a great paradox if you ask me.

Anyhow, it hurt. I asked everyone I knew yesterday who has a nose ring and they said it doesn’t hurt. (Perhaps thats the confidence and push that I needed, eventhough I’m not really scared of pain, come on, needles are scary) My friend Sonal said that she had a tear, and guess what, I had exactly a tear. I remember squinting cause it really hurt when he poked the needle, but afterwards, its all good. Except now… a bit of blood and water is coming out. Ew…

Yea, other that that, Irene and I went downtown today and in the midst of walking on queen street looking at jewllery, at least 20 old men and women came roaming down the street with their bikes with NOTHING ON. (Brain: AHHH!) Some men had the decency to wear tiny little thongs and a flap in the front, but SOME DIDN’T!! and then there were the ladies (shame shame) and then…. oh gawd. There were the fat men. (Not directing this to fat people, this is just what I saw) Flub, tub, grub.. WHATEVER!! bouncing and pouring over their wastelines like melted cheese in a bag. Oh stop. Just the thought of it makes me shiver all over again. I’m just gonna stop talkin about it.

So anywho, I rode my bike to Markville mall when Irene drove me back cause the day is still young, so I bought a new clock (it’s so cool! I’d have to show it to you!) and got some seasalt for my nose. Hmmm, does anyone have the Black Eyed Peas album? Cause I’m just wondering if it’s good, cause I want to buy it. Leave me a message if you have a comment about their album. and BE HONEST. $$ Money is only for good music. $$

Quote I found worthy of provoking our brain activity:

“People who need loving the most are the people who least deserves it.” John…… something. I don’t remember.

Wow, it’s been awhile since I wrote here. All week!! Well, it’s been one heck of a week, and I woke up today and honestly felt and thought like a serial killer. Hmm not a good thing at all. Kinda need to chillax on the school work a bit, yea most definitely.

I swear, today was not one of those best fridays that I had. I woke up aching from working on a huge project last night (that isn’t even worth much) for like.. 7 hours!!! continously, never stopped, didn’t even eat dinner! (grrr!) and then only to find myself in much of a shi…. crappier situation where my anthropology mark is now 84% dropped from the highest mark in the class , 91%. I know most of you are probably cursing at me because i’m not taking the 84% as a blessing, but considering I put all my life and soul into this course (because it’s one of those courses that I truly love and have passion for) and see that my effort has not made it better but made it worse, DOES NOT IN ANY WAY, boost up anyone’s ego or self-confidence.

I’m tired, exhausted, pissed, and feeling stupid.

That’s it, I’m piercing my nose. 

My allergies just gets worse and worse…

sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiff.

Confessions of a shopaholic (in disguise).

Maybe it is the weather that is clearing up into a beautiful pastel blue sky, or maybe it’s the smell of flowers blooming and alive in the air, or maybe… it’s the colours that I am strongly addicted to when I see those shirts through that cellophane glass window that is sending these crazy urges of shopping sprees through me all of a sudden.

Oh shame, shame.

I just spent 60 bucks American (you do the conversion) on clothes. Summer clothes that is. I just couldn’t hold it no more, I felt something racking in my heart, and it went right away when I was grabbing all the clothes I want in the store. (What the hell is wrong with me?)

My dad had to go somewhere, so he left Timothy with me to babysit. Initally, I was planning to walk to the mall by myself, but since I have lil Timothy as a burden, this calls for plan B. “Hey Tim, you wanna go to the mall?” (Tim’s eyes stuck on the big tv screen, ignores me) (Goes up stairs and pulls Tim and re-dresses him cause mom can’t dress ANYTHING for beans, heck am i gonna go out with him looking like he did before) So rebelliously, I took my brother on a 3 hour shopping spree, when dad told me specifically to go tomorrow and stay home to babysit. Heck, I can’t. So I tried to come home before dad does, but that didn’t happen either, and instead came home a hour later than the time I wrote on the note. See, if I was dad, I would be quite mad with my daughter. I think he is, in some inner way, how he has no control over his own kids. It’s sad, he doesn’t. I’m so spoiled. I’m not a spoiled brat, but the fact that I can do anything and they can’t stop me. Gee, I’m gonna go to Africa and I’m gonna get my nose pierced.

P.S SAVE MONEY! (Doh!)