I read it in a book not too long ago, but didn’t know one day it would come out in full coloured flesh. It was a story of “Throwaway Daughter”, about how Canadian families adopt babies from China who are most likely abandoned by birth because of their gender or disformities. Mostly of the female gender though.
So I went volunteering today at the Chinese Cultural Centre by Sheppard, and was pulled by Steph. Initially, I was packed with so much homework (and still is) that I was truly hesistant and felt burdened to go, but I figured, what are people compared to assignments? Not even in the question, helping people of course.
I was in charge of crafts with Christy, but Christy left hours before to go to the Hives concert (Hope you had fun) and left me in charge of the table all by myself. I was teaching children how to make lanterns out of construction paper, I’ve made so many, I can mass produce them now. Hehh. But anyhow, I looked around the place, and it was filled with 200 chinese kids (girls mostly) and asked myself this question: “Why are they all unwanted?” Each of them had white parents and or mixed parents that bravely took them in and called them their own. I would constantly smile when teaching them how to make lanterns because they’re just so pure and precious in my eyes. Heck, I even gave up my lunch time to continue sittin at my table teaching them how to make lanterns. I remember quite distinctively that there were these two girls named Laurence and Majorie, they were French, so you would have to say their name with the French accent. Hehh.. They were so adorable! Laurence had glasses and pigtails and was very talkative. And I didn’t know she was French until she opened her mouth and talked, and that just blew me away! I was like: “Wow! she’s french!” Haha, so I spoke to her in French, but since I’m so incompetent of speaking it, because I haven’t done so for a very long time, I felt so embarrased for the first time. I realized how much I wasted my skills from learning 10 years of the French culture and language, and how desperately I wanted it back now. This motivated me to enrich my French culture again. It was mindless of me to give it up like that in the first place.
Anyway, Laurence gave me a hug afterwards and trust me, nothing beats that feeling. Gawd, I love those kids.
Nearing the end, I had to help clean up the area and on a table, I found a card made by one of the kids, which the signature is too “messy” to be read. It has chinese characters on the front (which I have not the SLIGHTEST clue what it says, another reason to tip my head in shame) and an english message inside. It reads:
“Thank you for giving me all these things, including life, the most valuable possession I have. From…”
I read this and my heart sank. I wanted to burst out crying! Tell me that this does not want to make you go grab a kid from the crowd and call it your own. Some careless parent probably forgot or misplaced their kids’ card. How dare them!! But don’t worry, I’ll keep it safe for them. This is the most valueble quote I have as of now.
Mmm. I know when I have my kids (conceived or by adoption) I will love them so much. I would constantly talk to them about life, and tell them how beautiful life is. They would be so happy and smiling would be their virtue. Oh gawd, I would love them so incredibly much. How do I know? Because I’ve already loved them in advance.
11:45pm
Where are you.
I wish I could tell you. I really wish I could. But I’ll wait. Waiting is good. Waiting proves my patience. Waiting will show me more than I’ll ever see with my own eyes. Maybe, just maybe through all this waiting, I’ll find myself. [ Maybe I'll find you. ]
2:13pm
First I was hesistant about taking these stupid quizzes, since I don’t believe in them, especially when they judge your sexuality by your name. Oh come on. Be fair now. But I did it just for the heck of being home early and having nothing to do. Url for these dumb quizzes.. courtesy of none other… Mr.SideProject.
Why is it so true…
On my way back from church, after ridin’ the hideous bus called the TTC, and lets not forget the York Region Transit, which the’re just sooo reliable and punctual (PLEASE do sense my sarcasm), mom, bro, and I walked home for the reminder of the way. My heels were killing me (non-relevant), but I managed to carry on a conversation with my mom that just totally blew me away. I think this is the only conversation that I’ve ever been in, that is TOTALLY un-asian-ized. It sounded something like this…
(walking, clit-clack-clit-clack)
Me: “Hey mom, I got 80% on my last history test”
Mom: “Oh that’s good!”
Me: “Yea.. but I’m also getting 78% for my whole midterm mark”
Mom: “Oh that’s good!”
(pause for a moment, then crescendo in my tone of voice)
Me: “Mom! That is not good, what are you talking about??”
Mom: “Isn’t 50% the passing mark? so you’re doing good!”
Me:What?!?! Mom!! I can’t get 78% in history. I can’t get low in something I’m suppose to be good at!!! I can’t stick with a 70!! It’s a 70!! I can’t give these marks to the universities!!! Do you understand?!.. I can’t.. (etc)
(Ellen goes into a dilirious state)
Mom: (silence) uh…. okay.
So I gave up into persuading her that I need to do better in school. Why is that my parents can accept who I am and actually look optimistic towards my mark, and I’m here…. just ranting and raving.. and can’t even bare to notice my successes and dwell in my flaws? Why is that? I always thought it was the other way around. Am I being a jerk to myself?
I call this the ingenious Nelle. (Never have I thought about a math problem so much) Just for my sake, I have put it in a philosophical argument format, although I am highly aware that none of the context below are contentious statements and therefore, cannot form an adequate argument. But then again, this is my journal, i can do what I want, and it is for MY ultimate pleasure and amusement, so : P
Argument 1 – Toronto to New York City
P1 From Toronto to New York City is 440 miles.
P2 It takes 8 laps around the track to accumulate the distance of 2 miles.
P3 Divide 8 by 2 and it is equal to 4
P4 4 laps is equivalent to a mile
P5 440 miles times 4 laps equals to 1760 laps around the track
C In conlcusion, running to New York City will be equivalent to 1760 laps around the tracks.
Argument 2 – How long with it take?
P1 I have noticed that it takes me 20 minutes to run 4 laps (1 mile) around the track
P2 It is 440 miles from Toronto to New York City
P3 440 times 20 minutes equals to 8800 minutes
P4 8800 minutes is equivalent to 147 hours.
P5 147 hours is equivalent to 6.125 days.
C In conlcusion, it will take me 6 days to run to New York City
Argument 3 – Are you worth it?
P1 My heart says ‘yes’
C Therefore, you are.
4 A.M – Our Lady Peace
I walked around my room
Not thinking
Just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
Like somebody else
I never thought i would just
Bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize
I’m wrong
If i don’t make it known that
I’ve loved you all along
Just like the sunny days that
We ignore because
We’re all dumb & jaded
And i hope to god i figure out
What’s wrong
Running out of words. Going around in circles. Resorting to music. Anything put into a tune is my tangible answer to life.
