I swear, I need a frikken lap top. Stupid courses drivin me nuts. All this writing..

Things I like to get out once in awhile…

Number 1: I’m starting to hate myself in a way that i beat myself inside because I am slacking off in school so bad. Shut up all you others who are dumb and think that school isn’t everything, well you know what, at least i try and i have priorities and i actually achieve at times. Maybe I like to be miserable while carrying a straight “A” report card. Maybe I just like to be a miserable genius. Leave me the hell alone.

Number 2: I am sucha horrible girlfriend. (Don’t you think?) It’s people like me that should be put into “bad gf prisons” where they teach you how to be a better gf for a decent guy, and upon release, the world will be a better place.

Number 3: I finally walked away from David Wood. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Great.. moving on.

Number 4: Why am I taking advantage of my body? Just because I lost six pounds, does it mean i get to eat whatever the hell is put in front of me? NO. So hello, body… or rather.. mouth.. stop eating everything.

Number 5: Work. There’s HAS TO BE something that I can rant about. Oh yes. Young’ns that tell me what to do. Gawd, I dislike them. How old are you? 14? yea well… go mop the lobby, don’t tell me what to do.

Number 6: I’ve realized that this entry is so bitter, but hey, at least I acknowledge it, and accept it. I told you I wasn’t as nice to begin with…

NELLE TURD (self-discovery) adventure
@ University fair downtown.

Zain: So Ellen… What program are you going into?

Ellen: (confidently says) Cognitive Science. (smiles)

Later…

(In Queens seminar)

Man: So if you would like to take computing, you would study courses like the following… engineering, blah blah, COGNITIVE SCIENCE, blah blah, and basically learn about robotics and the psychology of the computers and mathematics….

(mouth drops wide open while Zain and Stanley looks at me in bewilderment of the course that I am taking)

Ellen: WHAT THE HELL….that’s not cognitive science?!?!

Zain: Ellen.. did you even read about the course before deciding on it?

Ellen: No.

(Zain laughs at the stupidfied Ellen, and she tips head in shame while half hiding in the handout books)

Crap, Irene was right.

Damn, she’s always right about these things.

But don’t worry, I redeemed myself. I found the PSYCHOLOGY (BA) course at York, the one that I’M SUPPOSE to decide on, just thought it was called cognitive science, but yes. I’m gonna take psychology at York, and become a PSYCHOLOGIST!! WHOOO HOOOOO

Alright, screw this course. It’s not called Writer’s Craft, it’s more like… Writer’s BLOCK.I would swear but that would consider to be blasphamous and sinful, and God would hate me even more than he already does, –BUT, i did learn how to use swear words expressively and coherently in writer’s block. The F and the S word is just mere exaggeration and the catharsis of the author’s emotions.

Alright, let me try this.

Fuck Writer’s Block.

(pause) Ahhh, I feel so defiled all of a sudden. God, please don’t hurt me, it was just mere expression of my hatred towards this stupidfied course.

I think I must go pray even harder now….

Another cup of coffee. With excessive amount of 18% cream (I don’t even measure, I just pour it into the coffee until it turns milky brown) and 4 packs of sugar, I think my brain is going through a mental breakdown of some sort. It feels like the cream is just swimming around in my brain and the sugar? Who knows where it goes… I’m staying up and my eyes are just wondering around endlessly, is all that matters.  

Doo doo doo, la la la…

I feel very….. farcical and inept right now. Mmm.. yea.

This is the first time that I have ever indulged myself in coffee as a resort to staying up. — It feels good   Well, maybe it’s a psychological thing, where I think I am “energized” by this cup of caffeine, but really, it’s just all in my head. Whatever, it’s working, not complaining.

Mm? Taste like coffee candy : )

Don’t feel so great…

Now I know the complete joy of private entries. I really do. I thought what’s the point of having an online journal when other people can’t even sympathize and read outloud your frustrations and emotions, but now I know. The mere fact that only you know your eyes can touch those words, it’s then that everything comes out of you. Every disease, every bruise and scar; surfaces.

It’s sad how I have to resort to school computers just because my internet service at home is a level lower than dip shi…… anyway. I can’t believe how I am living my life, doing everything last minute, completing assignments the class before it is due, just living on the edge and exhiliration. Trust me, it sounds fun, but it’s not. I rather be in control.

Gonna start on homework again. If my internet works, then I’ll write more in here tonight. Have a good day xangerians!