I have so much inside of which i cannot speak of. Emotions are intangible and so hard to put into words that yet can be perceived by the material world. But I must try, trying is the best I can do to find my niche in this place.

I hear the voice and then I hear the melody that sways the words into a conscious memory in my head. A nostalgic picture of myself being content in the summer winds, sitting by the docks and carefully sending messages in bottles.Words of encouragement hoping it would reach the ones that seek and to persuade them to live on another minute longer. “Find God.” inscribed in those messages and I would lift up my face to the skies and let my tears find its way to the ocean, because there was so much to glorify God with. I would lift my hands out to the space to be a little closer to Him than I was before. It was that joy and motivation, that unspeakable spirituality that travels through my body that outlives everything else in this world.

And yet, I’m at the other side of the ocean now, sitting by the shore wondering if the messages that I sent ever reached anyone in need. Because… because…I think I need one of those bottles right now. Suddenly, I was the one in need, the one to find a reason to live on a moment longer, an answer to everything. I find myself lifting my face once again, parrallel to the skies, but tears that chokes and pains inside. I did everything wrong, I am everything wrong.

It’s so hard to pray for forgiveness, when a sinner knows they’re not worthy of such.

I lost the ultimate me.

Maybe you don’t feel the same.

Waking Life.

“Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration, and this is where I think language came from. It came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy, when it was just simple survival, like you know…water, we came up with a sound for that, or saber-toothed tiger right behind you!, we came up with a sound for that. But, when it gets really interesting, I think, is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we’re experiencing. What is frustration? or what is anger? or love? When I say “love,” the sound comes out of my mouth and hits the other person’s ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain, through their memories of love, or lack of love, and they register what I’m saying, and they say “Yes, I understand,” but how do I know they understand? Words are inert; They’re just symbols; They’re dead. You know? And, so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed; It’s unspeakable. Yet, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we have connected, and we think that we are understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion, and that feeling might be transient, but I think it’s what we live for.”

(Her eyes sparkles with tear at the sight of her phone bill for the month of December, while her hands slowly reach for her head and loops onto her hair for a genuine pull to unlock the shock and frustration, she slowly winds herself to her knees and cries out, “noooooo”.)

My phone bill…. my phone bill. That is it. I am turning off that thing.

So tired, so incredibly tired.
Need someone to hold me again.

As the new year begins, I just want to thank God for somethings that I know even a criminal, an adulterer, a sinner would undeniably thank Him for regardless. Sometimes, these things goes highly unnoticed and funny how those things are simply wondrous things that help shape who we are today. Even if you don’t believe in God, you still feel good that…

…you have eyes to see the sunrise and sunset he sends to us everyday
…ears to enjoy music and let it seep into our hearts to let us fly.
…a mouth to talk and a tongue to taste the delectables
…nose to smell the scent of your love ones
…hands to fulfill what our determined minds wills us to do.
…and emotions. To feel hurt at times, but knowing it will be healed by whatever purpose He has, or even…. by someone.

Cause it’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again, I keep picturing you again, and it hurts so bad