Was gonna change this page up a bit, to symbolize the new me into the new world. But let’s be realistic, nothing has changed. Everythings still fucking the same and the only difference is me getting my early intangible diploma that’s coming in June anyway. All i get to do is stay home and go to work and rot.

I read the most painful email that she could ever write to me. Well, there’s always the worst, but this comes close. And I don’t know what to say, so I just slowly closed the window and fucking teared away. Didn’t understand why she would say all those things. I read it again just to make sure what i was reading was really there. Fuck. Happy New Years to you too sis.

I almost forgot it was Chinese new years. Chinese tradition has fallen way behind me. I’m in my own world.

Just hope you got what you wanted David. After I got off the phone with you, I fell asleep with my fingers crossed. Now I think my fingers are gonna be premenantly retarded.

Good luck David!

I need a hair curling iron. I want curls.

There’s more to life than those material things.

8:00pm

Where is Ireneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Where are my promised calllsssssss.

Sitting in the dark

I am the worst person to hurt emotionally. Because it actually hurts physically. My chest starts to hurt as if my heart is breaking into pieces and i start to grasp for air. Soon enough, I don’t cry for whatever initial reason it was, I cry because it hurts so much on the outside and don’t know why it is happening. Fucking heart.

Leave me alone, let me bury myself in my covers. I like to be alone. What’s so bad about that anyway. One less person to care about.

Teen love scares me.

OMG WHAT THE HECK! I’m so pissed. Where the eff are all my philosophy tests?! Parkash has one of mine cause she needed to make the exam with it AND SHE NEVER GAVE IT BACK. Aww eff. Where are the REST of my tests? I swear, peopel have been going into my binder and stealing my crap. Now I can’t study. AHHH I AM GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. I AM GOING TO KILL HERRR.

Came home from my human growth exam. By the way, that was a breeze. I cried at how boring it was. Hey, I like to be cocky about these things. Just because I can. But I bet you anything, fate is gonna work against me and i’ll die on the multiple choice, which I probably did anyway, didn’t study any of them. Meeeh. SCHOOL IS ALMOST DONE. See if i care.

Anyway, on the way home, I had these trigger of thoughts that ran through my head so fast, i could hardly catch it. I found them kind of disturbing in a sense that it’s something I never wanted to find myself to feel. Oh.. yea. Lara, one of my British friends (whom isn’t very close to me anymore) gave me a present today because I was going to be done school . Which really caught me off guard because I didn’t expect anyone to really miss me after I leave, or even remember. I mean, I could’ve left some sort of legacy for people to remember, but this year, I chose to step back from everything. However, knowing me, I never open anything in front of people because I always like to savour the anticipation for another moment. Instead, I opened the present after everyone was done the exam and it was only mmm maybe Clancy, Ms.Parkash and me in the room. It was in this really nice Hallmark sparkley bag, which the sparkles got all over my coat, and it was wrap in nice red and white tissue paper (hmm valentines?). I pulled out the item, and I stared at it. It was a beautiful glass picture frame that has jewels all around it and it says “Friends” on the top “Buddies”, “Pal”, “Chums”, and finally “Friends are always there when you are in need.” at the bottom. It’s honestly such a beautiful picture frame.

But this got me to think, how I felt about everything lately. I can truly say that I have been very “dead” with everything. It seems like, I don’t even care about anything anymore. I don’t care about the relationships that I have in highschools which will be left behind soon. I don’t care about people walking out in my life. Picture this: myself in my own world as i know of, and everything that passes me by as I grow, people who stay a little longer or people who decides to stay for 5 mintues… they’re ultimately, all the same to me. One thing I really want to know for myself is, will I actually mourn when my closest loved ones walk out on me. Then will I care?

If I get to choose, I would rather go back to the time when I was an activist about things I believed strongly in, opinionated in everything. I don’t want to just shrug my shoulders and let things go by and tell myself: “oh, maybe i should be sad about this..” or “maybe i should be mad about this..” I don’t want to be mediocre. Let me be provoked and loud-spoken again, at least then, I will have a voice.

I think it’s this thing called selfishness in me that is just starting to surface.

Yea, you’re right. Noone ever stays the same.

This reminds me, I didn’t even hug Lara or thank her enough for this present. It’s like.. I can careless.

I don’t like this.