Mister K. ^{Part 2}

Maybe it’s my fault that I never really told him what he has done to me over these past few years. That I literally changed my life for him and he didn’t see that. Well it’s too late now…

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mister K asks me if I still want to go to his parties, and still sits with me on the bus, and still talks to me, and even if we weren’t sitting together, he would get off the bus and stand there and wait till i get off the bus, walk the totally opposite direction that he needs to go just so he can – talk to me again! UGH!

Maybe he should read my blog or something, then perhaps he may get a clue that I’m not too fond of him.

It’s just that eerie feeling of sitting beside your ex or ex-fling. I mean, it’s even worse when they act totally normal. For some, it would be a wondrous thing, since people never act the same after you’ve been down that road with them, some even stops talking! But the fact that Mister K acts 100% normal bothers me. It’s like what happened between us never really did happen. So what the fuck. It’s like he’s screaming out the words, “YOU WERE JUST A FLING. RELAX, WE WERE NEVER LEGIT.”

No. I will not relax. He hurt me. I didn’t want to play around. He wasn’t a fling to me. He took me on a joyride and I didn’t even know it.

So if he’s expecting me to join his gang of white kids partying, what am I going to say? OH HELL NO! You have your history, and I have mine. Please stop trying to merge your world with mine. Just let me hold on to who I am.

Thank you, and Farewell Mister K.

_____________

Note _9:56pm: I’ve talked to some of my friends at school after writing this blog, and people don’t seem to see the seriousness or damage it has caused. T said that maybe it really WAS my fault, as I stated in my first sentence. And M asked if I had sex with Mister K. “Of course not,” I answered. and M goes, “well then it’s no big deal..”

Oh.

When did the level of damage concern with sex? I see somewhat of a correlation, but that’s not how I solely measure it. I claim EMOTIONAL damage!

What do you think. Would you like your ex (or ex-fling) to act totally normal towards you, as if nothing happened and everybody should just put their past behind? OR, would you like it if the both of you kept some proximity and just stay as acquaintances such as a “hi or bye” friend?

My TA is special.

Katilin and I drool over the fact that our English TA dresses as if he stole a Men’s Club Monaco mannequin and ripped off all the clothes from it and carefully places it back on his.. hmm mysterious and yet-to-be seen body. He just dresses so damn well. I couldn’t help but stare at his black v-neck sweater and wondered if his beige dress shirt was fresh out the package that morning or that he’s just hell of a good shirt ironer. The black v-neck just fell on his body perfectly. He topped it off with the perfect black winter peacoat, which spells out nothing but “I am gorgeous!”. Now that’s not something everybody can pull off, even if they had all the money in the world to buy expensive designer clothes.

I love my Wednesday tutorials with him. I get to look at his clothes, while he goes on about Pride and Prejudice and Jane Austen. The fact that he is so well-spoken, make it ten times better.

Up there is a picture similar to what he would wear, but definitely NOT sneakers with that outfit. Some dress shoes, or something that will wow my eyes.

Whom to shop for?

There are 2 kind of girls to shop for:

Girls who outright tell their boyfriends what materialistic desire that they have, and are not exactly gold-diggers. So what the heck are they? Maybe because they have no job? Maybe she just like to have the guy buy her things that she demanded for and no other presents will make her as happy? Maybe she likes the feeling of having a guy provide for her in every aspect of her relationship? I don’t know, I just know these girls like to receive big presents, and flowers does not count as one.

And then there are girls that don’t say anything at all about what they want. I think these kind of girls has more of the independent mind set than the one that I described above, just because they’re always thinking that they can get everything by themselves. But when it comes to gift receiving, the guy just has no clue, and ends up getting something totally different from what the independent girl really wanted…

I always thought that guys would like it if the girl just outright told them what they wanted, just because it would be a breeze for the guys to make her happy, or to extremes, “fulfill her dreams”. Guys love communication, so I guess this counts as a form.

But personally, I think that lacks so much sentimentality and surprise, that it puts me in disgust. It’s definitely a easy way out for a guy to date a girl that tells her what she wants, so the guy never have to think twice what truly makes her happy, she reveals it all. FLAW: don’t expect to see the end of your credit card bill.

So guys, which kind of girl would you rather date? The Materialistic-Revealer (not gold digger though) or the Miss-Independent (harder to shop for) girl?

__________

Stupid Tracker.

Did I tell you? How much I hate that Xanga Tracker? And how turned off I am after I find a tracker on the page? I just leave the page, and possibly never come back to it unless it is somebody that is close to me or that I like their blogs.

Important Tip: For those who use trackers from the Suhock.net, please change it to a new tracker that prefers a password login. It’s actually quite easy to hack into the suhock.net one considering anybody can type your xanga screen name on the main page and access all your history and perhaps tamper with it too. So who knows, maybe the stalker has already made it to your records before you even know they exist…

Cheating.

Keep feeling so subconsiously INSECURE. I keep getting these dreams that my boyfriend is cheating on me. I wake up and I keep asking him if he is and he says no. (Yes, I know, if my boyfriend was really cheating on me, there would be no way in hell that he’s going to tell me unless the cheatee found out for themselves. Damn bastards…)

Anyway, I’ve always been really good with intuitions. I hope this is just a fluke. Because to tell you the truth, I’ve already had so many nights with these horrible dreams that I think I’ve stopped crying in my dream… instead, I’ve become numb everytime it comes up again.

Maybe it is to build me up and prepare me for something? I don’t know. I think it’s getting to me…

Girls, have you ever had these dreams before? If yes, did your nightmare come true?

________________

The Tories Won?

The Tories Won? I don’t know, I am so not in-tune with politics.(Better question yet: Who’s our Prime Minister? I always thought it was Jean Chretien, but my American boyfriend told me he’s long gone). I’ve always believed that if a country has a right to vote, every citizen should use that right to the max. But my hyprocritical self did not vote yesterday. It’s my first year where I am the age of majority, thus entitled to vote, but all this came too fast and I just couldn’t catch up with the politics.

If I had to really really vote, I would seriously vote for the Bloc or the party that save trees, what is it… the Green party?

Maybe I’ll vote next year, or is it how many years after do they vote again? I hate politics.

Where’s the party at?

It’s funny. There are nights where I’m in a deep search of self, but at the end, I could never figure it out no matter how hard I tried. I figured, maybe because I have a different brain to begin with, that I will never think like people my age. And that is my exact problem. I can never relate to people my age. I can never really relate to their relationship problems, girl dramas, and especially what 19 year olds consider to be “fun”. I don’t like parties where drinking is the main course. I don’t like clubbing much, because it’s the same time every time I go. Then I ask, what do I like? and why don’t I like what the crowds like?

All I know is that I enjoy a good dinner at a decent restaurant over small talk. It always ends up memorable to me. Bonus, if I learn something from a conversation with a friend(s). Then I would feel like I’ve carried out something valuable after dinner, not carrying out a drunken friend from a party.

For those that do find parties and clubbing and what not to be an exciting event, I’m not insinuating that it would be a bad thing. Since, I myself, wish I saw it in the same light as you.

All i’m saying is that everyone seem to walk out with a smile, while i’m walking out with an apathetic grin, wondering and maybe pretending to like what I just did and saw. Am I thinking too old? I don’t know. Am I still young to enjoy simple partying? Maybe..

I just don’t know what to do with myself sometimes.

___________

HEYS

I bought the XCASE like I wanted. BUT in Fuschia PINK. Some people say I would only stick to black, well — look what my nerves have accomplished. Now when I carry that thing around in the airport, I look like an asian Barbie.

Bad Service = “I don’t want the fucking shoes anymore”

I was shopping downtown today at Eaton’s center with my friend and knowing me, stopping by at every store is a very dangerous threat to my visa card alone. But I couldn’t resist it. So we looked around Transit (not that they have great shoes, but I was just attracted by their flashy sale signs), and found these incredibly cute heels for 20 bucks. They felt fairly comfortable, cute, on sale, cute, and something I thought I needed badly. So I took it to the next level, and that is to courageously ask one of the sales rep to fetch me the size that i need at the back. I waited, and waited… and finally waited some more until my bestfriend gave a huge restless sigh. “Where did that guy go?” I thought to myself, maybe he just forgot. But I see him walking around the store, giving me eye contact but not really responding to me, going back and forth to the storage room, and only to find that he’s helping other people with their shoe sales. I didn’t want to make my friend wait for another 5 minutes, so I approached him. “Excuse me, (if he STILL remembers me) but do you have size 8 for these?” He cut me off and annoying said: “We only have one size left.” I quickly said: “Oh. okay. Thanks.”

That was by far the worst service I’ve ever gotten from retail. I mean, it’s okay that Transit doesn’t have my size, I understand because it’s a sales item. But to find it a burden to come back and tell me that they don’t have any of my size, and left me and my friend waiting is a “WHAT THE FUCK” MOMENT.

So… knowing me, again, (which by the way, I realize when I get into these situations, it helps me find my inner self better), I turned around after the hasty thank you, and made sure my audible voice pronouced: “Well thanks for telling me!!” I hope he heard that. Because I was THIS close of walking up to whoever the manager was and tell him how bad of a worker he hired. So all in all, I don’t even want the shoes anymore. Bad service just leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Keep Working On It.

Guys/girls need to understand that after they are committed in a relationship and that all goes well, things should not be categorized as “lassez-faire” from then on.

New problems and harder obstacles will arise, and if guys/girls don’t work on or be consistent with previous solutions and compromises, then the couple will just be firing frustrated targets at each other.

“Now we got the new problems, and the olds ones that you’ve dug up again because you refuse to do such and such, when you say you would.”

But sometimes, those problems aren’t so complicated as all you guys/girls might think. For example..

DRESSING UP.
I say the worst is when your guy/gal pal just decides to stop dressing up. What happen to the person that you were so physically attracted to at first? Not saying that physicality is all to it, but the fact is: you fell for someone which possessed this exquisite sense of style, and the picture changes as time goes on. What happened? Did you stop trying because you thought you got me now and therefore no need to impress me? WRONG! I want my man to look good and smell good. Just because I know he can.

THE PRESENTS. (Although, this is quite directed towards men more than women, but it could be both sexes that i’m talking about) Flowers, teddy bears, and chocolates are not just for the beginning of relationships. PRESENTS are not just for melting the ice enveloping the woman’s heart at first. If anything, that flow of gifts should be more and more serendipitous and sentimental. But don’t think wrong, I don’t mean that sentimental gifts should be thought as the same as spending more and more on expensive gifts. Trust me, expensive gifts do not equate to sentimental, it just means you spent it on an IPOD or… stuff that i don’t even need. (But a car or diamond ring would do). But what i’m trying to say is, little gifts and just simple flowers shouldn’t stop coming in for the girl, or in rare cases, guys too. It’s a gesture of care/kindness/thoughfulness for many, not some, but many women out there. So when a guy think he has fulfilled me with exactly 3 bouquets of flowers and no more, the love lauguage has stopped.

SKIN AND BONES.
Now this is not so much as “dressing up” but more of the physical, and i mean physical to the point of skin, fat, and bones. Let’s just say that sometimes, people gain weight or lose weight because of traumatizing, stressful, or whatever events that might give a yo-yo number on the scale. (The classic example would be students going into the first 2 years of college. The freshman 15 or so. But thats not my main concern.) My main concern is that people who are committed in a long-relationship and are skinny or at least healthy/decent to begin with, let it loose in the middle. ”What happened here?” Not that it’s being shallow, unless you really are, but like Marge would say: “I find myself less attracted to you [Homer]..” When one is in a commited relationship, they should not careless about how they look or weight just because they already have a fish in hand, and that she/he should love you as you are. That is a wrong and very selfish mentality to have. Not only are you letting yourself go like that, you endanger your health and the relationship. It leads the other party worrying for your weight gain/weight loss, and all the while, you let it go because you think her/his love comes for free. Wake up and do some laps or eat some food. You still need to appeal to him/her. She/he deserves all your best intention to live a happy and HEALTHY life together.

THE JOB.
Guys guys guys, and I will say only guys because many girls are suffering as I am in this very same situation: Guys need to get a job. It is A SHAME that the girl is supporting both the guy and herself (along with her daily shopping sprees) and going out movie-dinner bills. Now, I just want the guys to picture themselves in the girl shoes. If you were her, would you still like the guy or feel as appreciated and loved, of even… treated like how a girl should? Probably not. But don’t get me wrong, other women like to be in the dominant role, but so many out there and many hidden, often wants to find someone whom they can confide in every aspect of their life together. And that includes finance. If a guy can’t even support the girl with simple finance such as covering a simple dinner bill, how will a woman expect that this guy will cover ANYTHING when they decide to live/move in together? My man has got to get a job. Cause I ain’t paying the bills… all the time.

Mister K.

K makes me feel very uncomfortable. Maybe it’s the way he speaks his Polish, or the way he always reference to his friends as if I know them or met them before. Maybe it’s the way that he shifts his leg closer to mine on the bus, and the way he invites me to parties when that was all done in the past. Or it could be the way he is so nice, and at the same time his unwelcoming voice echoes in the bus.

Don’t you know… flings or past relationships are meant to end because it was for a good reason?

I never used to agree with that notion that your ex cannot be your friend again. I used to think that it was actually possible and that things could go back to normal, before any commitment was made. But things didn’t work out because there were good reasons. For K, it was the way he parties and parties.. and parties. Though he wasn’t the self-indulgent kinds where he becomes all piss drunk and dumps academia to the side. No — He studies hard, but he also loves living life on the edge. It’s silly now to think that I was so into him that I would try to fit my life to his, his crazy adventures and spontaneous gatherings.

I would never become like that, now that I think of it. I like my life just the plain ol’ jane.

He was obsessed with the “good times” and not enough of the “silent times to reflect”, he loved people, but I realized today… I like my proximity from people, I get annoyed when people start pushing in into my life. He lavished himself with popularity and it was obvious at his parties. Everybody knew his name, everybody would ask how he’s doing. “Hey K, how’s it going? Hey K dude, what an awesome party, you rock!”

I like none of that. So when he asks…

it only brings me back to when I wanted everything to fit, but it was obvious to me that I couldn’t be his girl. I was so stupid to think that. It just wouldn’t work, because the truth is, we were two very different people. I partied, I drank. But truthfully, I am not that kind of person.

 In the end, I’m glad it’s over. Because I found somebody that I can confide and feel comfortable in, and even maybe see a future with. It makes me feel warm and hopeful. And that maybe life ain’t so gloomy and i’m always looking forward to fly to the beautiful NYC to see Dave.

But when i’m in the bus, next to K, it grows infinitely cold.