June 19, 2006
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Defeated & Broken.
When I saw N’s messenger name, the way it was titled and his exclamation of excitement to the world that he made it to teacher’s college, butterflies just roamed in my stomach. How about me? Uncertainty weighted me down. I quickly grabbed the mailbox key and dashed out to the summer heat and ran to the neighbourhood mailbox. I took a deep breath before inserting the key into the keyhole and slowly released the lock to unleash the awaiting messages inside. To my dismay, there was only one letter; but it wasn’t the one that I was looking for.
I sadly walked back home and cheked if I got accepted through my University’s account. No, it wasn’t there. All the “maybe’s” ran through my head, and I just sat there and felt defeated. I don’t usually take this well, but I didn’t cry, no — not a single tear dropped.
With such unhappy news, I ran to the closest (yet furtest) person from me: Dave. I called him and talked in a deep and solemn voice, — but he didn’t notice any of my sorrow. Instead, it was all obsolete to him.
Then I laid in bed and thought about all the possibilities, the certain and the uncertain. Suddenly, I felt broken. Not so much because I didn’t get into teacher’s college, but unlike many couples, I didn’t have my other-half to be here to physically support and cope with me.
I curled and held my knees. I don’t know if I like what this relationship is offering anymore. I just knew I really needed him to be here, but the very fact is — he can’t, he isn’t, and won’t ever… be where I am.
Comments (3)
Hey Secret Agent
I love this song. From Amelie soundtrack right? Comp d’un autre ete. I’ve listend to it a thousand times. It plays during that part where amelie says goodbye to her only friend…the fish blubber.
I’m sorry to hear you didn’t make it in this time to teacher’s college. I know alot of friends who didn’t make it into their repective graduate schools either. Its a sucky feeling like having to let go of dreams you’ve had for so long… but you don’t have to let go… you just have to chase it a little longer. Good hunting agent!
Keep your head high and try again. It’s such a mom thing to say, but I can tell you’re a smart girl and you will make it. Just don’t stop believing.
In regards to the bf issue, it is difficult to get through the hard times without him by your side…but once again you have to believe that once all the tough times are over you two will be in the same place. After all, you’re both still growing, learning and the time will come. It’s just a matter of being patient.
Take care Ellen.
you’ll be alright ellen. hmm…let me get a lil philisophical here…
Just as the road to hell is paved with good intentions, the road to success is scattered with failure. keep your head up and stay focused. you’ll get there.