Ownage.

I raped and re-raped my philosophy exam today. I’ve never asked for more paper on an exam before, but I did today because I had so much to write. TA told me to write everything I possibly know on these subjects, so away I go with the English BS hat on my head. Now let’s just wait for the marks to come in… maybe I shouldn’t speak too fast, after all — I did talk about being modest.

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Tattoo.

Appointment at 2pm this Sunday at New Tribe (Queen St). Everyone is welcomed to come and join my support team. Humour me, while i’m getting pricked by a needle for an hour.

Confidence.

Some mornings when she wakes up, she would feel this surge of adrenaline.

“It’s a brand new day Secret_agent_nelle”, she would tell herself.

She puts on her best clothing, her best accessories and her best make up. She looks into the mirror and let out a smile of approval. Then she tucks her chin up and sticks her nose  up into the air as a finishing touch. “There, an air of confidence no body will be able to miss.”

She gathers her work and carefully places into her bag. She takes one last look out the window. She opens the door, and the winter air engulfs her.

And there goes Secret_agent_nelle out the door, to conquer the world and her dreams – and of course, she will always carry herself with her nose up in the air.

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She’s a Barbie Doll.

A is like a lifelike Barbie Doll. Standing 5’11 or so, flawless blonde hair, gleaming blue eyes, and her highly regarded fashion sense makes me look like a piece of pale cardboard when I stand next to her. I’ll be honest, she makes me nervous sometimes. Always wondering what she thinks of me — or what she thinks about my clothes. She is probably the only person that makes me feel that way — let me get this straight — she is always well put together under any weather or light. She can easily pass as a model.

Although that is the case, we would still have countless conversations on the bus rides that we accompanying each other so seldomly. Well, tonight was one of those nights that we bumped into each other and talked our lives away. She keeps telling me to call her, and when I don’t, she would flick her newly bought fleece gloves at me. And at that moment, in search of an answer, I felt what all men would’ve felt. “I swear, I swear I did try to call you!”, I explained. 

What really intrigues me is that somebody like A would even bother to talk to me. A was never the popular conniving blondes, she was different, but still girly. I don’t know how well I would be as a friend with A, but she keeps trying to keep in contact, so I must be doing something that interests her in return. Let’s just see where this goes.

Sometimes, I think it’s smart in life to choose who you want to be friends with first, and not be friends with everybody you come across. Just because it’s better to not establish much at first, then having to realizing the friendship is futile in the middle and having to make decisions to walk seperate paths. It is better to make friends for spiritual and intellectual purposes, rather than the purposes of networking or just chilling. As we grow older, time becomes gold/money/prize possession. Time should not be dealt with lightly, and should only go to those that really deserve it. I can buy all the riches in the world, but time can never be bought. So cheers to my friends whom truly deserve our well-spent time together.

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P.S – In light of Christmas and shopping for gifts, A says that for a relationship of 3-4 months, the present should be at a maximum of $50 or less.

I threw my head back and laughed, I thought — where did she get a specific number like 50? Xangans, are there some rules about gifts shopping for lovers that exists out there that I don’t know about? What rules do you go by?

Powerless.

I am a firm believer of the notion “Someone needs to break you, before you know how to humble yourself.” I think humility is such an important and powerful character trait to attain. Maybe because the hubris is always defeated and vanquished in story telling, but with all those stories being told, there must be an ounce of truth in them. And indeed, they do.

There is always going to be someone better, stronger, more powerful, and richer than you, and don’t ever forget that. Because once somebody feels that they are the best, it limits their potential. It creates this illusion, this surreality that one is on top of things and knows everything that is needed to know already. The point is — somebody who thinks they are the best, don’t have reasons to push themselves to strive anymore. They just stay at some uniform plateau, while people are rising up against them and the worse part is, they don’t even know it.

I think there is so much to learn from our enemies that we make for ourselves. Alot of people don’t see that fighting the enemy will only make them stronger because it shows our vulnerabilities and weaknesses in return. Not to make this sound like a strategy for backstabbing (hmm Machiavelli?), but in truth, if somebody is in your opinion more knowledgeable or possibly your competition, it is better to put them ahead of you because then you can learn from the bottom and try to take yourself to the top. And since you have thought about this, knowing everything that the competition knows, you will then take it to the next level by adding what you know — and thus, it will lead you to surpass your “enemies”. But don’t forget where you came from, that was only one obstacle to jump over. This is where humility is needed the most. It lets you acknowledge your accomplishment but at the same time lets you go into new challenges with the right mentality. Sometimes, i even think being humble is being strategic.

Right now, I feel defeated because of some simple tasks I couldn’t even do correctly today. And yes, I went to work today thinking that I was such a great worker and have improved myself tremendously, and I also walked out of work today feeling belittled. It was those times where I thought I did such a great job, but it is my cockiness that completely blinds me. The fall hurts, oh — and the embarrassment nonetheless.

There is a reason why modest people are admirable. Reason is that they never stop learning, living, striving for the best. Whereas the hubris, will always remain at the bottom foiled, dejected, and powerless.

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Sad Sad Story.
(phone convo.)

Secret_Agent_Nelle: J, where are you?
J: No Frills.
SAN: Why are you at No Frills?
J: Getting milk.
SAN: and why?
J: For Q.
SAN: why the hell are YOU getting milk for Q. (Thoughts: when did J become the “househusband”)
J: And I have to get Jell-O
SAN: okay, and why?
J: because Q’s mom wants to eat Jell-O
SAN: and what the hell does that have to do with you?
J: I don’t know, she wants to eat Jell-O.
SAN: Okay anyway, you’re going to come with me to downtown next Sunday to get my tattoo right?
J: uh.. maybe.
SAN: WHY NOT?! You said you would.
J: (after countless excuses, the truth comes out) What if Q doesn’t like that I’m coming with you?
SAN: SO?!?! M is coming with us. It’s not like it’s just us two. And if you want, we’ll drag more people just so your frikken gf will feel comfortable. Come on dear friend, I need your support in times of pain.
J: but what if she isn’t comfortable?

(This is the part where I started screaming in rage)

SAN: AND WHY THE HELL WOULDN’T SHE BE ALRIGHT WITH IT?! YOU’RE JUST ACCOMPANYING ME AND M TO GET A TATTOO. ARE WE VIOLATING SOME CHEATING POLICY HERE?!?! NO. You’re just fucking whipped, that’s all.
J: Okay, maybe I liked to be whipped.
SAN: Okay fine, you enjoy your life dictated by a girl that will probably later on break your heart. Let’s see who you’re going to run to when that happens.
J: Well, it won’t be you.

I love my friends. They are fucking whipped and awesome. After maybe giving him 263498263 lectures on ”how to become a good boyfriend”, it is now actually penetrating into J’s head. He’s too good to be true. If you were my boyfriend and I told you to go buy my groceries, INCLUDING what my mom wants at night, would you do it? No really, would you?

This Christmas, I want…

Many people keep telling me that their personal Christmas wish list is way too long. Well then, stop being so materialistic. It is clearly not rocket science here.

However this year, I probably, truly, only want one thing. That is:

A Surprise.

Pretty vague eh? Well alright, what I mean by a surprise is just anything (doesn’t have to be material) that would make my heart skip and possibly set a memorable event for the year 2006 before it ends. I haven’t been surprised in a long time. I don’t even know if I am capable of evoking that emotion anymore. I just want to be stunt, damn it.

I’m thinking of the following surprises. Any one of them would set my heart running:

1) If Santa Claus/toothfairies/unicorns (either one of them) actually exists!

2) If someone buys me an asthetically good looking car (I don’t care if it performs well or not) and oh look! A good-looking CHAUFFER comes with it! Cause you all know I hate driving.

3) If my father is actually gay! And his bitch-ass mistress name is not really “Jacqueline” but it’s really ”Jack”. It’s about time that he comes out the closet. Maybe then I won’t be so mad at him for cheating, because it alllll makes peeeerfect sense.

4) My name spelt in lit candles across the NATION. (Haven’t you seen that episode of Simpsons? Smithers did that for Mr.Burns birthday. I deserve it too)

5) Seeing a guy cry… like bawl.

6) If Jesus performs the “final judgment” rapture this year like he promised qajabillion years ago. I wonder, would God take me with the other faithful Christians first? Or leave me here on the fiery earth to suffer…

7) P.C shows up with a bouquet of flowers and asks me an endearing question.

There’s got to be more surprises, but i’ll stick with seven for now

Xangans, what do you want for Christmas this year? Any surprises you would like to experience?

Percentile%.

You would think that maybe I’m overracting, but I am unbelievably angry right now. I just received my philosophy exam back, and even though I am two percent shy from an A, I AM STILL TWO PERCENT AWAY FROM AN A. Therefore, I am shoved in the face with a B. I don’t think that’s acceptable.

There is a history of me being self-destructive when I don’t get the marks I intend to get. So I relieve myself with piercings.

No — this time, I want a tattoo.

Xangans, any picturial ideas for a tattoo? I was thinking about a black rose somewhere only visible when I stand in front of you completely naked, or you know those paws that Eve has? Yeah, those look cute.

Speaking of which, I was over hearing a conversation on the bus today and this guy claims he is the greatest bullshitter ever (Yeah, like I haven’t heard that one from ALL the guys). Then he goes on how he wrote an exam the other day and he didn’t even read the novel. He wrote an essay exam based on the knowledge from the back of the book and he randomly flipped through the novel and picked some quotes out. He did admit that he “baked” himself, and it wasn’t a great exam.

Shortly after, he added the fact that he’s getting 90s in all his courses.

What the fuck. Does that really happen? What happened to working hard?! Well, I figured, since he’s such good “bullshiter”, maybe he’s just talking smack to the girl beside him just to impress her. JUSTICE! Where are you!

I’ve Been Tagged.

Oh don’t feel bad TheThinkingMansIdiot, I’m not really wasting my life away. Thank you for tagging me with these 16 questions. Please, I’ve totally just sarcastically said that. (Haha, don’t worry, I still think you’re a god.)

 1) Four Favorite Movies
- You’ve Got Mail
- Serendipity
- Save The Last Dance
- American History X

2) Four Favorite Songs (as of right now)
- Break it off – Rihanna ft Sean Paul
- Walk away – Paula Deanda
- Speechless - Melissa O’neil
- Irreplaceable – Beyonce

3) Four Most Often Craved Foods
- Fruits
- Peach Rings
- Green Tea Ice Cream
- Sushi

(By the way, as you can see, my choice of foods have no kind of substance whatsoever and are the cravings of a three year old. I think I’m starting to develope eating problems: the sight of food just makes me sick. This is not voluntarily, does anybody know what is wrong?)

4) Four Lusted After Celebrities of the “Opposite Sex”
- Jessica Alba. (haha, i have to put opposite sex in quotations)
- CHANNING TANTUM
- TYSON BECKFORD
- RYAN PHILLIPPE

5) Four Best Places You’ve had Sex
     N/A

6) Four Hottest Friends of Either Sex You Actually Know
     N/A

7) Four People You Want to Meet in Heaven.
- Socrates
- Plato
- Jesus
- My uncle. The murder was unsolved. I want to know what happened, I miss him.

8) Four People You Call on a Regular Basis
- Jay
- Jan

9) Four Things You Absolutely Cannot Live Without
- Passion
- Rain, because then I wouldn’t appreciate a sunny day
- My ideals, my dreams, platonic love
- Lipgloss

10) Four People You’ve Said I Love You to Within the Past Year

Nobody. This question actually surprised me. Maybe I’m not really who I think I am. Maybe I’m just as cold deep down inside as the world nurtures me to be. This is what I wake up to on my laptop:

11) Four Things You are Most Proud of About Yourself for
- I am motivated
- I Enjoy life’s simple things
- I try my hardest not to be ignorant in any way shape or form, thus i love learning
- I follow my heart

12) Four Most Memorable Events
- Getting into Teacher’s College
- Walking in New York alone
- Watching the stars with somebody who initially taught me about them
- Being hired

13) Four Greatest Fears
- Spiders and anything that crawls on the walls!!!!
- Failure
- Misunderstood
- Hatred

14) Four Hottest Turn-Ons
- Smile
- Eyes
- How they talk and think
- How they hold my door, open the car door, wait for the food to come, get the bill, the way they “court” a girl (ie, men should ask the woman out with a bouquet of flowers, not in front of a supermarket and anything along those lines. It must be memorable — in a good way!), how they hold you… I can go on forever.

15) Four People You’d Love to Be for One Day
- Janice Phe
- Angelina Jolie
- Nellie McClung
- Oprah Winfrey

16) Four Questions You Would Love to Ask 4 Other People
- Do you believe in everlasting love?

That’s all I can think of right now.

NOTE: Slutburger totally thinks these answers are BOR-ing and needs some spicing up. But I just like to keep things simple. I know how you people don’t like to read, just like any other teenager out there, so simplicity — Ockham’s Razor it is.

My Good Cause.

I’ve finally got my hands on this shirt. It took Gap forever to make more so that there’s enough for everybody, but I was one of those people who genuinely waited for it. (Speaking of which, if these shirts were in such high demands, why haven’t I seen anybody wear one yet? Seriously!)

Well, 15 dollars from this shirt went to buy medicine for women who suffer from AIDS in Africa. Most importantly, for the pregnant African women who knows that they have AIDS, but does not have the medicine to stop the disease from spreading to their offspring. If you think about it, the thought of not having the right medicine to treat your sick child is heart breaking. I send my love out to them tonight.

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Shopping Spirit.

It took me forever to maneuvre my way through the mall today. YOU KNOW Christmas shopping is in effect. I saw Santa Claus in the mall today. Um, it’s November. Somehow, the Christmas bug comes and bites everyone in the ass earlier and earlier each year. (For instance, the day after Halloween, Wal-mart eagerly stashed the remaining unsold candies in the clearance pile, and replaced the shelves with Christmas candy canes and boxes of chocolates with festive decorations on it. It was November 1st.)

Wal-Mart reminded me today how many days I have left to shop for Christmas: 37.

Damn you Wal-mart and your marketing ways.

My head hurts from thinking about shopping, I hate the Christmas shopping mob. I just want to sit by the fireplace and drink hot chocolate with my loved ones.

Happy World Philosophy Day (really).

In memory of my favourite philosophers of all time: Socrates, Plato, Descartes, Nietzche, Hume, Kant, Locke, Berkeley, Rousseau, Voltaire and who else am I missing? Oh right, Aristotle — never really liked him, but cheers to him too. 

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PS3 eh.

Why don’t they just make more, I don’t understand. I swear the corporation looooves seeing men beg. (I bet the company [PS] is run by a percentage of women, because this would make perfect sense — make a limited amount of those game consoles and see men grovel in front of Best Buy/Wal-Mart two days before it comes out. Haha, what a pleasant picture.) I swear, men would throw away their girlfriends/grandmas/mothers for this.

If I had a boyfriend, and if I had the right amount of money in my bank account, I would definitely camp out for one of those. Just so he can have the surprise of a lifetime on Christmas day. (Hmm… suddenly I see my exes running back.)

 I had a “rubbing chin” moment sparked by this PS3 phenomenon. J and I were thinking. Maybe we should camp out tonight and get as many PS3s as we could and sell them at higher prices. I’m nice, so maybe 150-200 bucks on top of retail price if demand remains high. I’ll be happy with any income right now. Time to become a merchant.

Idealism.

You can call me an idealist for the following things that I believe in:

Must I say more?

UPGRADES in life.

Retro, yet the PERFECT Housewife.

Yes, plenty.

Just a little. I think in this capitalist world, inbetween monopolies, there must be a notion of justice and the equality of people, for people – somewhere.

Games.

I hate playing games. Have you ever seen that movie “Two Can Play That Game”? The advice that Shante Smith (Vivica Fox) gives sure does motivate a woman to try those rules on their next incoming man. However, as the movie proceeds, it all boils down to ‘playing it with no rules’ because at the end, it’s all about the heart — not how many hours it took him to call you back.

Cardinal rule no. 1: Do not call him.
Whoever calls first loses ground.

Rule no. 1: Never panic.
Stay cool.

Cardinal rule no. 2:
When your man messes up, no matter how small it is…
… you gots to punish him. Punish him hard.

Rule no. 2: Never let your girlfriends know the whole situation.
They’ll give you bad advice and ruin your confidence.
And confidence is key.

Rule no. 3: Break up with him before he breaks up with you.
Whoever breaks up with the person first wins.

I swear there was more, but that’s all I could find now.

Personally, I think those rules can be broken. And the guy can break them, calling you and chatting it up with you, but that doesn’t mean that you mean anything to him if it ain’t consistent. It just means that they were bored so they had time to chat. Consistency is the key. Why is it so hard to find a guy that is consistent?

What’s your brilliant rule that you live by? Do you believe in rules in a relationship/fling?

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I need to stand up for myself –  once and for all.
You must not know about me.
My hate for men grows.