And there it goes.

For some of you that have known me for quite some time now, you know I have always indulged in my own little fairy tales. Since I could remember, I would have “secretly wishing” as the display on my cell phone and msn name. But it is not until recently that my display on my cell phone has changed to “out of clouds” – meaning none other than me having my “head out of the clouds”.

SECRET WISH: http://www.xanga.com/secret_agent_nelle/361738011/item.html

It’s a reminder to myself every time I wait by the phone for that person to call — that I really shouldn’t be.

As the new year comes around, I’ve decided to let this dream go. I’m tired of chasing love, chasing hope, chasing P.C. It’s naïve of me to love the idea of being in love.

Most of all, I am tired of being disappointed. I lay out my vulnerabilities only to be crushed and left behind. I will wait, but I will not chase. The wall has been built. I am in full guard of this heart of mine.

Will consummate love ever be reached? But love is a gamble, at least, in this life it is.

 

When will a guy ever stop by my house for a surprise visit with my favourite chinese take-out in their hand?

When? When??? The answer is never. Guys are hardly ever surprising, nor are they thoughtful enough to buy something you like to eat, (because it would hurt their tiny little brains trying to remember what it was that you said your favourites were) – they would rather buy something they like to eat, and eat it all for themselves. They’re monsters. They’re liars. If I were a guy, I would date myself.

Yeah. Whatever.

Look At This Bad Boy.

Yeah. I had it for a short while. (I had my share of boastful discussions at EB Games with other men in line, ohhh yeah. I rubbed it in their faces — hard) But alas, it was a gift for a special person. It’s in better hands now.

 

Best Gift.

Note: The following inscription accurately portrays how the christmas card is supposed to be seen and read — yes, even the triple “e” in my name.

“Dear Eellen thank for
being nice to me and help
me for my math. P.S I will
miss you Ellen.”

From Timothy

[ insert kid drawing of sister and brother ]

He wrote that allllll by himself. Pretty good for a nine year-old SPED kid. I almost shed a tear — (but of course I didn’t, remember, girls don’t cry). This is by far the best Christmas present I’ve received, along with a couple more cards. They were all equally touching. No materialism needed to fulfill this heart of mine.

I also had the best Christmas ever, I got to spend it with the people I care about and are closest to the most. Hands down, the best Christmas ever.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

Merry Christmas everyone.

If only Jesus had a birthday party here on earth…

Maybe I Don’t Want Macho.

I went to church tonight. (I haven’t been in a very long time, but I went because I wanted to celebrate the birthday of a very special man in my life. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.) After the service, I mingled a bit with everyone and asked how everyone else was doing in their respective lives. I wanted to see what I’ve missed these past few years that I wasn’t at church, who’s getting married to who, yadda yadda yadda.

However, I bumped into B and to my surprise, from what I recalled to be a “so how’s it going and what do you do now?” conversation, it quickly transformed into a deep, meaningful, engaging, and must I say, mesmerizing discussion about life and love.

I asked if B was still with A. He said yeah. It’s been 3.5 years.

Oh course, without shame of jumping down a stranger’s throat (I don’t really know B that well), I asked if an engagement is in prospects. He nodded. Yep, and I gushed.

It’s funny how I opened up to B so well. I don’t think I’ve told anybody at church why I’ve decided to restrain from living the Christian life — and yet, here I was! Telling what impacted me and wounded me the most for the most part of my life — to a stranger!

I could see that B had tears when we were discussing about divorce, and love that never really worked. I didn’t think anybody would care nowadays (especially guys), I didn’t think people would even try to relate to me, because truth is, everyone has a broken family. It’s a common wound that will heal with time. But he wanted to reach out, and I could feel that. The room was filled with people, but I don’t remember anything but B’s eyes looking into mine.

A part of me wish I can find someone like B. Someone who isn’t scared to show their emotions, isn’t scared to reach out, isn’t scare to heal those that are wounded — like me.

Machoness is not what I am looking for. I don’t care how you dress, what you drive, how much money you have, how many buildings you own, and I definitely don’t care if you act tough or not — if you’re really not that tough at all inside. I know for a fact is, I want someone beside me that could hold me close, and make me feel protected in every aspect of life. Not just financially, but physically, mentally, and most of all — emotionally. And I think the only way for a man to fulfill those elements, would be that he, without question, lay out all his vulnerabilities also.

Being vulnerable, in my opinion, is not the antonym of machoness. A real man, I believe, will cry and fight for what he truly loves and believes in.

Made In China.

I was cleaning my room, putting away the receipts, shopping bags and purses that has been long scattered on my bedroom floor since the shopping month of December started.

Then I saw it.

I looked into my navy Kate Spade “medium shopper” handbag, and in the shallow corners of it, a tag reads “Made in China”. Huh.

My Coach bag said the same. Except they added “handcrafted” in China with the “finest materials“. Impressive? Actually, that made me feel a tad bit better — but only for a split second.

Now tell me, why the hell do I invest money in American designer bags, if all they do is get kids (or my cousins) to sew my bags for me?

OH, this is what I want for Christmas. Earmuffs. I need to be stylin’ when it comes to keeping my ears warm.

EBAY: http://cgi.ebay.com/Auth-CHANEL-2006-CC-Logo-Fur-Leather-Ear-Muffs-Rare-New_W0QQitemZ270018595164QQihZ017QQcategoryZ63860QQcmdZViewItem

Edit: These earmuffs are LIMITED SEASONAL 2006 Autumn/Winter collection. RARE. LUXURY ITEM — AND GONE. That means I won’t be able to get my hands on those. Thanks for crushing my dreams Slutburger_with_cheese. You’re so good at it.

Well, I did tell Slutburger that if he can get his hands on those, I would promise to get him a PS3. Anyone up for the challenge? No counterfeits, please. Okay, this challenge is only for slutburger, exclusively. He doesn’t like competition.

_________________

The Break-up.

I watched The Break-up with JP tonight, and we thought the ending was disastrous. The alternate ending was even worse, if any one of you own the DVD, you’ll know what I mean. However, I did think that Jennifer Aniston’s character (Brooke) did parallel my emotional and mental state in my last relationship. Here is one of the lines that she said in the beginning of the movie that got the popcorn flying off of my lap, in light of sympathizing with her:

“I just want someone to want to do the dishes for me!”

Now men, I know what you’re thinking, it’s not about the dishes at all. (But of course, if you feel like doing them, then go ahead!) But it’s about wanting the best for the other person because you care. Sure, we know you don’t want to do the dishes, but say we had a bad day at work, cooked dinner already, looking horribly in pain and tiredsome, THEN wouldn’t you WANT to do the dishes? Just to try to carry some of the burden?

Let me try to put it in a more general way of thinking:

“I just want someone to want the best for me!”

I think when somebody already has the attitude of wanting the best for their partner, it’s like shooting for the stars. But whatever they do, it will be foolproof, because anything less, they would just land on the moon. There’s nothing to complain about it. They had their best intentions, and they tried. I think if somebody ever treated me and loved me with that attitude in mind, I would be on cloud nine. Always wanting the best for me.

I treat most guys in my relationship with this mentality. That way, I know that I was the best person I could ever be for them. I think it’s about time that I experience some reciprocity.

Xangans, what’s stopping a person to be the best they can be for somebody else? Is is selfishness? Pride? Lack of commitment? Or the fact that — one should not love another more than they love you?

When those are done…

I mean, in terms of exams (last one tomorrow), I will grab myself a drink and celebrate by myself if I have to. I hate essay components. What the hell is this exam doing in the middle of my holiday season? This should be illegal. I hate you YorkU.

Edit: I am so mad at myself. Well, half-ishly mad at myself, the other half is not my fault because it is the frikken holiday season and I’ve been out of school for 1.5 weeks and you cannot possibly expect a normal student to STUDY in their full capacity under these circumstances! The exam is tomorrow, and all I did was read over my notes. I am WAITING for my PANIC mode to set in, the adrenaline rush, so I can finally study.

But lo’ and behold, IT’S 10 PM AND IT HASN’T SET IN YET. Where is the panic? Why AREN’T I panicking? When did I become such a procrastinator? Tell me, WHEN?

I am climbing into bed.

If I ain’t going to get the adrenaline rush now, OH I’ll feel it tomorrow morning. My exam’s at 2-5 tomorrow, CLH I. Please, would you kindly wait outside the door around 5 tomorrow with a drink and some confetti in hand?

________________

Why hello there.

Ya’ll know I don’t watch TV, but somehow I will find my source of knowing what’s going on. Congratualtions to Yul Kwon for winning this season’s Survivor. If I could say one thing to Yul, it would be: “Will you marry me?”

Bachelors of Science at Stanford University
U.S Marine Corps
Juris Doctor Degree in Yale Law
Worked for Google
Gorgeous body.
Millionaire.

Hubba Bubba.

 

F.R.O.G.

C drove me home tonight from work and we talked in the car. She asked me why I haven’t been working recently until now, and I told her it was because I wanted to make sure that I would be okay balancing two degrees at the same time. I asked her where her kids went to school, and she told me she doesn’t have any kids.

That surprised me because I’m very sure that C is in her mid-40s now. (Maybe I’ll secretly go through her file next time I’m in for work JUST to make sure.)

“Secret_Agent_Nelle, I’m not even married yet, let alone having kids.”

I felt really bad, because I didn’t want to make it sound like marriage and kids are the norm, especially coming from a feminist perspective, it shouldn’t be the norm nowadays. I asked her, “Why not? Don’t you get lonely?” She answered, “Well, that’s not the problem, but more like if that’s in God’s plan for me to find somebody.”

Wow. I didn’t know Christians like C still existed. Her answers were so genuine and devoted to God that it somewhat touched my heart, but of course, I quickly brushed it away incase I would feel the Christian guilt. Led astrayed brothers and sisters, you all know what I’m talking about.

I think I’ll remember this conversation for quite awhile. It’s one of those conversations that left me speechless. Of course — after C gave me her answer to why she wouldn’t feel lonely at night, I turned my head to the right, looked past the empty fields in silence and asked God why love never came her way.

Fully Rely On God

________________

For those that know me well, do you agree? I’m not all sugar and cupcakes.

__________________

Sugar Coat the Bum.

This is what I’ve learned today:

Men will always tell her girlfriends/flings/friends w/ benefits that they have a nice ass regardless of how the ass really looks like.

Rule of thumb is: In order to get some ass, you gotta “love” the ass first.

JD: “What am I suppose to tell my girlfriend? That she has an ugly, flat ass? and then expect me to get some later?”

True. Quite rational.

But don’t you think that’s a lie? JD told me that CW has such a great ass, and then came over to me and made fun of my ass in comparison to hers.

JD: “CW has such a great ass”
Me thinking: Are you (insert curse) serious? Buddy, are you using your glasses properly? I don’t check out girls ass, but I KNOW her ass ain’t that extravagant like you’re tell me. STFU.

Thus, that is how I came up with the equation — compliment the ass =  get some later.
I also think that it feeds onto the male ego, making themselves believe that they landed themselves on some hot piece of meat. Oh please. Ladies, next time a guy tries to tell you, you have a nice ass, you know what to do: kick them where it hurts the most. Cause they’re all a bunch of liars.

Ladies, how many times has a guy told you that you have a nice ass? Do you actually believe them… truly?

__________________

Resolutions.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s that time of the year again –  for new year resolutions!

I will be perfectly honest and reasonable with myself this year. (Unlike last year, I thought I was going to learn like 3 languages).

1) I want to learn how to BAKE. So if my future husband ever wants to bring his guy friends over, I will have the best low-fat, calories reduced, scrumptious brownies and beer ready to cater to them for Sunday night football.

2) I’m going to STOP SWEARING. It’s not even an “I-want”, it’s an “I-will”. (But don’t you think swearing has it own literary-querks? You need the F word sometimes to express the right emotions…)

3) I am going to TONE my stomach up until March, so I will look fabulous in my pencil skirts for the upcoming spring.

4) Practice my CANTONESE.

That’s all for now, some more maybe later when I think of them.

Dashboard Confessionals.

My mother was driving today and I was sitting in the passenger’s seat. She usually has her Chinese radio station on, and which she did, but she turned it off all of a sudden. Oh, you KNOW a “talk/discussion” is coming right about my way. My mother doesn’t turn off her chinese radio for nothing, that thing is her lifeline when she’s driving.

Anyway, she tries to ease into the conversation by picking something general to talk about, then she narrows it down. Long story short, she tells me that dad might have some kind of cancer, but we’re not sure yet, so he’s going to check it out again in a few days.

You know what I was thinking during this whole time?

HOORAY! I MIGHT JUST GET MY CHRISTMAS SURPRISE AFTERALL! BUT EVEN BETTER!!

I know, all of you must be saying: “What kind of sick fuck are you? You’re actually happy?” Yeah, I am. I’m not going to lie. I don’t think I would shed a single tear if he leaves the earth today. There’s no sympathy, mercy, tears left in my heart for him.

And that’s my dashboard confession.

_________________

EBAY.

Can anybody tell me WHYYY i haven’t been doing my shopping on Ebay? That website is the greatest… invention… EVER. Everything that I ever wanted is just a click away. Sometimes, I don’t even know what the hell I’m buying because it’s so easy to just… buy. Sometimes, I’ll see a window pop up: “Congratulations! You won the item!” and i’ll be damned, because I really didn’t think before I bought.