Freedom.

I’ve been living in total freedom for the past 12 days, but what seems like the most dreadful and wasted 12 days of my life. No schedules, no stress, no deadlines, no progress, no goals, ultimately my identity was lost in the last twelve days.

Sounds familiar? Starts with a “S” and ends with “lacking”? Yeah, totally.

I didn’t know who I am, didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t know what my purpose was in this world. The worse is, knowing what I really wanted in life; I was not working towards it. Passivity is not really something I’m fond of, although sometimes I can be quite the passive onlooker depending on the content of the task.

Meanwhile, I feel like I lost 50 IQ points for not needing to attend an educational institution. It’s summer baby. And thank God – I have summer school.

I just want to wake up and go HELLO WOOORRLD!!! I AM HERE TO CONQUER YOU!!! AND ACHIEVE WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED IN LIFE!!!

Kind of like what this person is doing:

Don’t you ever feel that way? You have a million things you want to do in life, but somewhere in your mind, you’re restless, and you just can’t move from the very same chair that you’ve been sitting on for the past six hours – days – or even weeks.

For myself, doing something totally outside the box helps in creating a new emotion, perspective, and a new routine to counteract the uniform life that one is living. I started taking night walks with the Ipod, and it gives me a sense of rejuvenation and peace as I return home. It’s a nice refreshed feeling.

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On a totally random note: Life is too short to eat crappy Ramen noodles. It is not a wholesome meal at all. Maybe I should stop feeding my boyfriend that.

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“Didn’t wrap the present, so close your motherfucking eyes.”

Gotta love the boyfriend.

Tru Say.

Reminded me of what machine_gun_funk wrote today.

“And this is our problem, we can’t deal with the face to face so we let technology replace the space that people are suppose to feel. Let’s face it. We are eternally afraid of what’s real. We’ve forgotten that our physical contact is more important than our number of contacts — so we settle for convenience.”

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Life of A Banker ^#1827

In the Staff Room.

L: “So there was this really cute guy and we talked and everything and oh my god, he like so gave me his number!”
Me: “Oh really, and then what happened.”
L: “And we met up and we sort of went on a date last night”
Me: “Mmm-hmm.”
L: “And yeah I checked his account and there’s no joint account with another woman! So I’m safe and good to go!”

That’s how we bankers do.
Keep us close to your hearts.
Because we know your money better than you do.

People keep talking
They could say what they like
But all I know is
Everything’s gonna be alright

… just reminded me of you. That is all.

Flashlight Innuendos.

No, you HAVE to watch this. I don’t care if you didn’t watch my emo homemade youtube videos about my love life, but THIS! you have to watch. I guarantee you’ll like the racial innuendos as well. Well, depending on which race you are, you might just get a liiiitttleee bit offended. But that’s okay, because my man is an exception to the stereotype! ; )

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Bad Parenting

To delineate my mother’s lack of recent care for the family, I have lost 4 pounds for doing nothing but eating junk food. It’s because she never has anything in the fridge and I am always in a state of starvation. I’ve eaten so many bags of chips, my body is starting to repel it, it leaves this sour taste in my mouth that I dislike. Why don’t I cook? Number one, no one will eat my cooking. Not even me. Number two, there is nothing in the fridge TO cook. Number three, I don’t have a car readily accessible in time of hunger to fetch something to eat. So yeah, I think I’m losing my boobs and my butt for this. I need to eat those junior chickens again, even if they’re just pseudo-hormones in the chicken. Apparently, the hormones they inject in chickens to make their breasts bigger is also applicable to humans. Hmmmmmmm.

Emotional Compensation.

Eating half a can of whipped cream makes life’s problems disappear.

For me, going to work hits the spot. When I’m sad, I go to work. Something about work that gives me the satisfaction of accomplishment and I’m not just referring to my immediate job, it has always been that way, even when it was with Mickey D’s — I go to work, whenever I’m sad.

One day, I was really sad about something, probably about men, but found myself mumbling under my breath, “Thank God I have work today. ” Yeah. I actually said that. Then I realized how mindless I was with my problems when I was at work, how I continued to serve customers with all my passion and still was able to up hold that smile on my face.

I guess, in a sense, it’s better than having myself sit at home and wallow. Chances are, if you leave me sitting in one setting with nothing to do but with a computer to surf the internet and a tub of ice-cream, I will conjure up images and start over-thinking the problem and the inevitable tears will follow. But you can’t cry in public or at work — you just can’t. You cry at work as a tactic to GET out of work for reason of a “funeral”, “dead pet”, “family problems”, “my s.o broke up with me” or “i’m pregnant/miscarried”, which they all work very well of getting one out of work.

Nothing feels better than exceeding your sales goal. Nothing.

And so, I balance the options.

Wallow or Make Money?

Not much competition there.
I love work. I work, so that I wouldn’t have to feel.
 It makes my problems go away. Money and emotional problems alike.

Thank God, I have work today.

Tooth Truth.

So, the quote un-quote cavity is not really a cavity afterall. It was actually a piece of kernel that has embedded itself in my gums for… uh three days? Listen! I brushed, and brushed, but nothing came out until morning of day three, it finally came out. Nasty, I know. Last time I’m eating popcorn!

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Genuine Decline.

Have you ever been so nice to somebody not because you pity them (okay maybe not pity, but something in you just says you have to be friends with them), because of the somewhat unfortunate circumstance that they are in? Hmm, you must be confused. For example: You obviously treat and talk to a mentally disabled person differently than you do with your friends. If the M.D person does something stupid, you wouldn’t actually tell them that they’re stupid for doing that. Whereas, we would declare our normal friends stupid, even if they didn’t do something stupid, because you know — we love our friends like that.  Tough love. Get the point? Okay. So the matter of fact is, people are compelled to treat the less fortunate with a better conscience. And I, am guilty of that:

There’s G. Went to highschool with him. G is autistic, but a different kind, he’s actually a savant. Besides a little mumbling and speech impairment, his writing and how he convey himself in words is, if not, better than the average person for his age. So he goes to my university now too, and from time to time, I would bump into him at the bus stop. He would greet me excitedly and ask me how my day was, talk about things that he is interested in. Last time I remember, he was reading about zombies. No, not the fantasy kind, but the “How-to-become-a-zombie” kind. Uh, yeah. AND he was in the midst of writing a novel. Yar, genius.

Anyway, the point of this blog hence the name is that G wants to ask me out to a movie. He’s been inviting me to many events and I’ve been kindly declining each and every one of them. I don’t know, is that mean? I just don’t want G to get the wrong idea. Well, for the last invite to the movie, I just replied back saying that my boyfriend and I have something planned for Friday. Underscore boyfriend. Do you think that was too harsh? Is he going to kill himself?! Like you know, they always have these cases on the news!!!

How do you decline a M.D person without hurting their fragile ego?

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It’s such a nice day today here in Toronto. : )
Good for a walk I say…

My tooth cavity hurts.
(inserts candy in mouth)
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Be ECOfriendly.

Dear Slutburger_with_cheese,

It breaks my heart when you’ve been leaving your computer on for the past X amount of days. God knows that you have a full-time job, friends, business, sleep and Halo to entertain in life, and yet your computer is constantly turned on to entertain nobody for X amount of hours in the day. For those X amount of hours that you’re not looking at the screen, energy is wasted for nothing.

I know you have plenty of girls in which you want to trick them in thinking that “you’re online”, and perhaps have them send you a flirty ”instant message” instead of the offline message, but to their surprise — they never really get a reply from you between the hours of 9am-5pm — because you’re not REALLY behind the monitor.

You are sleeping right now, and you still have your computer on. I hope all the electrical waves that you consume in your sleep will one day zap your head into a bigger size. And no, not that head. The asymmetrical one.

Your favourite business partner in the whole wide world,
Yours Truly,
Secret_agent_nelle

Old Asian Man

“Thanks for walking into my life, though your presence has been short-lived and truly missed, in spirit I will always remember.”

I met him yesterday on the bus. Too tired to remember that I had to pay two fares instead of one, but I only had $2.75 and a $20 bill – not enough change for the second fare. Thought I could use my charm to you know, charm the bus driver into letting me pay the extra $1.75 (cause that’s all I had in extra change) instead of another $2.75, but he made me feel really guilty because he claimed that he had to go home afterward and put in a dollar to compensate. So I told the bus driver to wait and let me ask the other people on the bus whether they could provide me change for a $20 bill. There were only three other people on the bus, so there goes a prayer under my breath in hope that somebody could help me. First girl looked at me with condescending eyes, or was it that she didn’t understand english, but she looked in her wallet briefly and shook her head. I thanked her, and proceeded on.

I then walked towards an old asian man. There was something about him. As if, he was watching me all along from the moment I stepped on the bus. He had a smile on his face the entire time, and before I even spoke a word to him he was already reaching for his wallet. It felt like he was waiting for me and calling me to come to him, as if he wanted me to come to him. He was a very welcoming man. I felt really guilty for asking an old man for money, but I asked him nicely whether he had change for a $20 bill. He looked and said, “no, but how much do you need?” I told him I only needed a dollar more. He gave it to me eagerly. No hesitation. And so I thanked him from the bottom of my heart, thanking and bowing to him numerous times. He got off at the following stop.

It wasn’t the amount that was given that mattered. But what really mattered was that he gave without conditions or hesistance. He gave with eagerness, happiness, and a smile. He wanted to give. It is people like this that keeps the human emotional strings in me intact, despite the cold capitalistic world that we live in.

Not everything has a monetary price, the gesture is worth infinitely more.