August 11, 2004
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Honestly, what have I done wrong? I tried everything my dear, everything. Find ways to get to you, but there’s always something in the way, always. And I wonder to myself, is this coincidence or is this really fate? I lift up my head to the sky and keep telling fate that; “I have to go, I have to be there, I have to see him.” But no, my heart gets tugged. There’s just always something in the way.
For once in my life, I feel like I’m incompetent to fulfill my promises, cause I know, this was my promise to you. Perhaps, this is not the right moment, maybe there’s a time for everything, and this isn’t one of them. I don’t know, all I could think of this whole summer is how I’m gonna get there to be with you, and when it seems like I can, there’s something far behind that won’t let go of me.
A sincere “sorry” is all I have as spoken words and words of the heart. What can I do baby, what can I do? If only there was a way, if only I could see you for a day, 12 hours, 3 hours, 30 minutes, or even.. 5 minutes. I’ll take it for what its’ worth, to tell you everything that I’ve always wanted to say. Everything.
It is not your fault, nor should you not be mad, because you have every right, and I want you to be mad at me. This is not a “I want you to be happy, Ellen” situation, this is me… not fulfilling my promise to you.
And so, I surrender.
