October 17, 2004
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Scratch, scratch, scratch.
Fuck. Why do I have to be all up in tears again. Oh yea, my fucking parents. Yea, if you readers haven’t already noticed, I’ve been depressed and angry with my life recently, and I can tell you now, it all derives from bad family, bad parenting.
I get all too damn emotional though, but can’t blame myself, it compensates for all those times, all those years, all those moments where I was too struck and scared to react to anything. I would just stand there, walk away, close the door, and smile. Pretend nothing happened. Life goes on.
Now it’s different. It’s right up in my face and I won’t take that shit. So when I cry, I don’t just cry for whatever my parents just did to me, it’s 17 years of psychological repression surfacing to form bruises, psychological bruises.
But like I said earlier, or if I haven’t, now you know, that I am a person that just throws her problems to the back of her head eventually and wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about dealing with them. And as it is foretold, that’s what I did today. I slept on whatever shit my parents put me through.
It’s honestly whether you were there or not to see this side of me, otherwise… problems are gone. It’s solved. I’ve thrown it away, mashed it into little pieces and left it somewhere else. Either that, i’ll eat it all away with food, like this high-in-calories cookies that I am eating right now. Chomp chomp.
There are some people who are close to you where you know you take them for granted. Well you’re asshole for doing that. Pick up a damn phone and tell them how important they are to you. If Janice wasn’t there for me today, I dont’ know which state of condition I would be in. I’ll probably still be wallowing in bed, deciding whether I should be a goth, a cutter, a slut, a pot head, or a criminal instead. Anything out of the ordinary to show them how much shit they’ve done to their kids.
Dad that last line goes out to you.
