January 30, 2009
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Worst Version.
Have you ever caught yourself in the worst version of yourself?
I think I did yesterday. As I got onto the bus with Rachel, I didn’t wait to complain about how I hate the fact I have to be back in class after 2.5 months of York University being on strike.
“I hate the fact that I’m commuting for just one class. I hate it how I have to go to school. I hate it how I’m having the time of my life right now and I have to be back in the prison classroom. I don’t like the program that I am in right now, I want to do real estate…”
And I just didn’t shut up.
Then Rachel caught me in the midst of it all and said, “You know, you don’t have to come to school if you don’t want to.”
“Yeah but…”
“But” was all I could say because it’s true. When did I turn so egocentric? So ungrateful? So spoiled?
I had to turn my head away from Rachel so that I could search some light from the window. I dipped my head in shame, and as I looked outside, all I could think of is how there are millions of people around the world right now that wishes that they were in my position. To be able to have an education, and everythign else that I am blessed with in life. And here I am, complaining.
This isn’t the worse thing that could happen to me. And a million other things that I probably complain about that are truly just blessings — but in which I think they are never good enough.I snickered at my worst self. “I am pathetic.”
Hopefully by being mindful, I will never have to see that side of me ever again.
Comments (8)
i don’t think it’s pathetic to have desires. O_o
Hmm, it’s human to complain, even when you’re having a good life.
the way you phrase your blogs sometimes, makes you sound like a drama queen … in the soap opera kind of way… in the best way i can possibly make this sound… without offending you. ….. -___-”
when i’m all depressed about myself, i have to remember to count my blessings. i easily forget that am truly blessed.
if i was on the bus with you i would have said, “just a minute, hold on nelle, something’s in the way… yourself. get over it.” i always believe that whatever i’m learning however irrelevant, will one day be very relevant in my life, it’s not for me to know the time and place, you know?
@star_gazr -
Haha. You don’t have to ever hold back on what you truly want to say because you’re scared of offending anybody.
If that were the case, then the world would be working backwards and “de-progressing” as we speak.
Say what you feel hun.
I know, I make everything sound so deep and dramatic.
That’s because I put care in every detail in life. I just care and think too damn much for my own good, if you would like to put it that way.
@djcaptainzowie -
We need to be on a bus together.
Oh how I dream of Cali.
well, then we would be in a car. can’t be takin’ no bus in Cali! =D
I *think* I have pent-up anger problems so I always seem to catch my worst self internally (e.g. negative thoughts) more so than externally.