… don’t worry. You’ll read about me sometime in the future. Probably in the papers about me and my crazy LEED buildings.

 

Wait for it.

 

 

 

 

Xanga Suicide

“I can’t give up secret_agent_nelle! I have 7 years of growth written down! Of memories! Of crushes! Of all the pain and happiness! and I have certain readers that want me to write, and of course… how can I give up the lifetime premium!?”

Did I just tell myself that I couldn’t do something?

It occured to me that a mental shift is needed. So today, I will embark in an episode of xanga suicide. When I get to work, I will start printing out blog entries all the way from the beginning. Print as much as I can get away with without being accused of stealing paper; this will be a mission. 7 years of blogs. It will take a few days, or weeks, or maybe even a month for me to print all of it out, but I am determined to get it all down on paper.

Then one day….. *poof* no more secret_agent_nelle.

I know I’ve done alot of hiatus in the past, but this is for real.

Inspired by SUNGBALL

 

Loneliness.

The worst type of loneliness is when you’re in a crowded room.

Staring out into the void, you ask yourself why your drinks aren’t getting you drunk to feel “happy and smashed”, but instead, the more you drank, the more sober you got. You just spent $60 on drinks.

I had that experience a few weeks ago!
Sigh.

No more clubs.
I like beer and wings with the guys though.
At least then I can hear the sexual puns/jokes from across the table versus the dancefloor.

 

 

  Stream Of Thoughts.

_______________________

For lent, I am giving up masturbation.

_______________________

I realized I know nothing about what constitutes a good relationship. But what I do know is that a relationship should never make you feel any of the of following:

Insecure, Lied-to, Unworthy.

_______________________

 

“I know I do alot of stupid shit in a relationship [like giving all of myself], but I rather be like this than be like you. I know I’ll be closer to finding that someone than you.” – Gigi, He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)

_______________________

 

I don’t think we were made to know how to unlove somebody. Because if we did… we would choose to escape from all this chaos and insanity in a flash.

_______________________
 

After I finish my teacher’s college, I’m going back for another degree.
Construction science.
It’s decided.

_______________________

 

I ripped up his letter really really fast the other night,
so I wouldn’t feel a thing.

 

_______________________

 

But I am happy.

_______________________

 

 

 

Being Understood.

I feel like nobody on Xanga understands me and what my vision is in life.
I mean, I write about my views and about myself.
But once I click onto my subscriptions, I feel like hardly anybody understands or share what I believe in based on what everybody else writes about.

Come on, crass humour can only go so far. And then you just feel like you’ve just knocked 10 points of IQ off of your intelligence by spending time on reading views that you know yourself would never even consider.

Circle of Influence.

Maybe I am in the wrong clique of xangans. Maybe I am subbed to the wrong people. Maybe I take life too seriously. Or maybe I’m just a hater.

But it’s frustrating when you can’t even find that one person that understands your vision in life or what vision really is.

That’s okay, I’ll see you at the top.

 

Facebook Fever!

I love love love Christine. I would just like to say that I’ve watched every one of her videos. It’s her innocent comedy that gets me. Note, I’ve never heard her swear in any of her videos. And here I am, thinking you gotta express your comedic talents with swear words because it just ain’t the same without the ef word when you stub your toe. Or something.

Ya’ll guilty. I know.

 

Worst Version.

Have you ever caught yourself in the worst version of yourself?

I think I did yesterday. As I got onto the bus with Rachel, I didn’t wait to complain about how I hate the fact I have to be back in class after 2.5 months of York University being on strike.

“I hate the fact that I’m commuting for just one class. I hate it how I have to go to school. I hate it how I’m having the time of my life right now and I have to be back in the prison classroom. I don’t like the program that I am in right now, I want to do real estate…”

And I just didn’t shut up.

Then Rachel caught me in the midst of it all and said, “You know, you don’t have to come to school if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah but…”

“But” was all I could say because it’s true. When did I turn so egocentric? So ungrateful? So spoiled?

I had to turn my head away from Rachel so that I could search some light from the window. I dipped my head in shame, and as I looked outside, all I could think of is how there are millions of people around the world right now that wishes that they were in my position. To be able to have an education, and everythign else that I am blessed with in life. And here I am, complaining.

This isn’t the worse thing that could happen to me. And a million other things that I probably complain about that are truly just blessings — but in which I think they are never good enough.

I snickered at my worst self. “I am pathetic.”
Hopefully by being mindful, I will never have to see that side of me ever again.

 

I Am Smiling.

Because I understand now. Everything that people couldn’t answer, everything he wouldn’t answer, I went out and got answers for. And damn, does it feel better than ever. After months, hours, minutes of talking, expressing, crying, praying; it all becomes so crystal clear.

And she’s right,
forgiveness is such a sacred and precious thing for me to give.
Yet, whom I want to give it to, probably doesn’t even acknowledge the wrong.

And so I realized:
That I am not responsible for his well-being anymore
That I am not responsible for his change.
That I am not responsible whether he see the lessons in our fall.
That I am not responsible for him at all.

It lies within his choice.

Many people have tried to show me the facts, but it just doesn’t make sense until you take a step forward and start believing it. And when you believe — oh life changes. Life. Changes. And nothing, and I mean nothing, can stop you from there. A weight lifted up.

I’m just going up from here baby… Life IS good. God is good.

 

Passion To Accomplish.

I started to learn how to cook.
Reason for the title?
I told myself I was gonna learn how to cook. so I did.
I always told myself that sometimes it’s not the content of the actions that pushes me,
but the spirit of accomplishment that drives me.

For those that didn’t believe in me…
this is a start.

_______________________________

I love love love this song.
I secretly (well, not so secret anymore), have a list of songs in which inspires me and that I would only wish to dance to one day. No, not the dance-in-your-room dance. I mean dance.
When I get better at Ballet, maybe I’ll let the world in for a glimpse. 

 

Halo – Beyoncé

I want to know absolutely NOTHING about him.
I want to be as far away from him as possible.
I want to stop thinking back on memories
in which he chose to create with dishonesty.
I want our lives to untangle itself.

As if we never ever existed.

I’m learning how to forgive, but it’s harder than ever.
One day, one day….