... don't worry. You'll read about me sometime in the future. Probably in the papers about me and my crazy LEED buildings.

Wait for it.

Xanga Suicide

"I can't give up secret_agent_nelle! I have 7 years of growth written down! Of memories! Of crushes! Of all the pain and happiness! and I have certain readers that want me to write, and of course... how can I give up the lifetime premium!?"

Did I just tell myself that I couldn't do something?

It occured to me that a mental shift is needed. So today, I will embark in an episode of xanga suicide. When I get to work, I will start printing out blog entries all the way from the beginning. Print as much as I can get away with without being accused of stealing paper; this will be a mission. 7 years of blogs. It will take a few days, or weeks, or maybe even a month for me to print all of it out, but I am determined to get it all down on paper.

Then one day..... *poof* no more secret_agent_nelle.

I know I've done alot of hiatus in the past, but this is for real.

Inspired by SUNGBALL

Loneliness.

The worst type of loneliness is when you're in a crowded room.

Staring out into the void, you ask yourself why your drinks aren't getting you drunk to feel "happy and smashed", but instead, the more you drank, the more sober you got. You just spent $60 on drinks.

I had that experience a few weeks ago!
Sigh.

No more clubs.
I like beer and wings with the guys though.
At least then I can hear the sexual puns/jokes from across the table versus the dancefloor.

  Stream Of Thoughts.

_______________________

For lent, I am giving up masturbation.

_______________________

I realized I know nothing about what constitutes a good relationship. But what I do know is that a relationship should never make you feel any of the of following:

Insecure, Lied-to, Unworthy.

_______________________

"I know I do alot of stupid shit in a relationship [like giving all of myself], but I rather be like this than be like you. I know I'll be closer to finding that someone than you." - Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You (2009)

_______________________

I don't think we were made to know how to unlove somebody. Because if we did... we would choose to escape from all this chaos and insanity in a flash.

_______________________
 

After I finish my teacher's college, I'm going back for another degree.
Construction science.
It's decided.

_______________________

I ripped up his letter really really fast the other night,
so I wouldn't feel a thing.

_______________________

But I am happy.

_______________________

Being Understood.

I feel like nobody on Xanga understands me and what my vision is in life.
I mean, I write about my views and about myself.
But once I click onto my subscriptions, I feel like hardly anybody understands or share what I believe in based on what everybody else writes about.

Come on, crass humour can only go so far. And then you just feel like you've just knocked 10 points of IQ off of your intelligence by spending time on reading views that you know yourself would never even consider.

Circle of Influence.

Maybe I am in the wrong clique of xangans. Maybe I am subbed to the wrong people. Maybe I take life too seriously. Or maybe I'm just a hater.

But it's frustrating when you can't even find that one person that understands your vision in life or what vision really is.

That's okay, I'll see you at the top.