Lost Time.

Two stories depicting my greatest fears of all time.

S

S is madly in love with him. Found an email in his inbox one day. A love letter, a proclamation of his love for her. But not for her. But another girl that he was previously in love with… and still is. Despite the evidence of a swayed heart, he still wants to stay committed to S. He continually tells S of their “future” plans together. S comes to school in tears. I embrace her. Tried to male-bash to make light of the situation. But solemnity is still in her eyes as she kept admiring the floor. At that moment, I knew nothing I say was going to change her perspective, or make her unlove him. So I did the best I could to sit beside her to comfort her with a silence presence. After all, I was only an acquaintance to her.

But this story scared me. It scared me because somebody could be telling you one thing and at most make it sound so utterly believable — yet feels differently about the whole situation. Yes, it’s called lying. He lied, because he knew himself that his whole heart wasn’t in the words he was saying. But if S truly believed in what he was saying; it was S’s reality that he was creating. The worst part is, had S never ended up finding his love letter, S would’ve readily invest her whole life (time) in creating this “reality” that bears no fruit at the end.

It isn’t the lost love that scared me, but more so, the lost time.

B

B found herself in a 10 year relationship with a man that she truly love. They were highschool sweethearts, and college sweethearts, and hey — still remained sweethearts after those childhood/teen/young adult years. B thought it was time. 10 years. It was now or never. So on one of their cruise trips together, B proposed the idea of marriage to her love. He thought about it for a second, and finally gave her an answer that she wasn’t waiting for: “I don’t think I’m the type to commit”. And that was that. As they return home from their trips, they went their separate ways, but still kept in contact. B calls him up one day to catch up with his life. B finds out that he got married after one year of their break-up and is expecting a baby soon. B shattered. Her present and her past shattered. It was 10 years of her life that she couldn’t get back. She is now 30 something. Still sailing single.

It isn’t the lost love that scared me, but more so, the lost time.

What is your greatest fear(s)?

Music.

I think music is what keeps me human. I really do think so. It’s what put the emotions back in me, despite the corporate environment that I am in.

We tend to put our most vulnerable self in lyrical form. And then you read those words, whilst listening to the soothing melody, knowing that the singer and along with thousands other people around the world are feeling the exact same feeling that you are feeling now. Extraordinary.

Two Women.

… that are my all-time favourite and in which I admire or aspire to become.

They may be fictional, but perhaps, I can make them non-fiction.

Abigail Chase – National Treasure

God knows how much I love decoding and cryptography.

For instance, there was one summer where I tried to learn the first generation of hieroglyphics and Morse code… and Korean. Results: I can now understand why hieroglyphics is a lost language. Very difficult to learn! Got the hang of Morse code, started to communicate by tapping. I even thought of a system to cheat in class with Morse code, alas, my personal morale and ethics held me back. And yeah, I learned the Korean alphabet in 45 minutes. To this day, I still know how to read Korean, but don’t know what the hell I’m reading.

Virginia “Pepper” Potts – Iron Man

That’s me in my little black dress that never goes out of style, and my future husband that will save the world.

My favourite line from the movie:
Pepper: Good morning, here are your clothes. The car is outside to escort you where ever you need to go.
Unimportant-hoe-bag-that-Mr.Stark-just-slept-with: Oh hi! Good morning. So do you do everything around here?
Pepper: Yes. I clean and cook and occasionally take out the trash.*

* meaning the Unimportant-hoe-bag-that-Mr.Stark-just-slept-with.

I sort of just approximated what the script is, I can’t find the full script online. But you get the idea!! Classy lady, Pepper is!!

________________

Bottom line: They’re both smart as hell and yes, I realize that they stand by and may at times play a foil to a strong male figure. But behind every great man, stands a great woman. No?

Exposed.

I felt so exposed in my last entry. So I took it off. I don’t know, I guess it was the first time in a very long time where I exposed myself through pictorial representations. I always thought that xanga was an avenue that is judged solely by writing. The images and impressions we have of other bloggers, things, and events are readily created by our very own imagination. And that’s the beauty of it all.

Let’s stay that way, shall we?

P.S I definitely know what you’re talking about Viv. Bloggers’ Remorse. It’s real.

__________________

But this has got to be my favourite picture from the trip.

The HousewifeNY Mantra

Say it with me ladies…

“I am an exceptional woman,
as well as an exceptional person,
So I expect men to make exceptions for me.

I can negotiate and compromise,
hence my title of an exceptional girlfriend/wife.
But the end result must be something I like.

If a man cannot deal with it,
then go ahead, break it up,
or have me dump your ass,
even better.

Rest assure,
I can live with or without you.”

I came up with that in the shower this morning. Yeah, it’s like, suddenly I felt this Beyonce-Clinton empowerment shower over me. Must be the water.

P.S I do indeed believe in that mantra.

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Re: Meunonomo – Is crazy inevitable? Part One

At first glance the post serves as a great comedic satire for all psychotic girlfriends out there. Even having the men singing their own version of the Beyonce-to-the-left giving props to great cool women like Viv2. But as I sat there, thinking about the sisterhood and all, something must be clarified. Allow me.

1) Having pictures of the ex is definitely okay. But again, what ARE those pictures portraying? Are the parties in the pictures naked? Is your boyfriend talking about them in a very VERY favourable light, as if…. they might as well marry the girl’s ass for all the praising of his ”past” relationship? I don’t think that just by mentioning that girls go crazy about ex pictures are enough to deem them to be all psychotic. All this should be analyzed on a case by case basis.

2) It is a different situation/game depending on the mentality of the girlfriend. If the girl isn’t even looking for a committed relationship but only for a good booty call, do you think that the girl gives a shit about…… anything? I know I wouldn’t. Hell, you can talk all night about your exes if you please if I only proclaimed you to be my booty call. Cause bottom line is, I ain’t committed to you, so I don’t give a fuck.

3) Now what about the women that has a committed mentality? See, I’m sure you know where I am going with this already. It’s not that majority of the women are territorial or jealous bitches, it’s just that… picture this:

If I marry you and you still hang out with your ex, then wtf? Why am I wasting time with you?

There are no “gal pals” and “guy friends” once you tie the knot. Does your mom hang out with other men on a one-on-one basis? Does your dad have “gal pals” which he catches movies with? The confident answer is no. If Paulina says there are no gal pals and guy friends within the existence of a marriage, then she is damn right.

Women don’t think about committed relationship as “just” the dating phase. We look for qualities in which we want our future husbands to exemplify. If men can’t even give us what we ask for while we’re in a long-term relationship, then it’s a sign for us to dump their ass. That’s what dating is all about isn’t it? Looking for that person that fits? If it’s such a trouble now for men to sacrifice certain immature behaviours, then what makes them think that it’s going to be easier down the road? In other terms, women think ahead.

Bottom line is, depending on how committed the girl wants to be with the guy or in any relationship, her actions will be dictated by that level of commitment she has for him. If she’s a commitment phobe, then you know, she probably won’t even give a shit if you watch your homemade porn with your exes in front of her. Yeah for all the pussy men out there that can’t deal with real women, go date a commitment phobe. She won’t cause any trouble. I promise.

So guys, stop doing stupid ass shit that gives women reason to go “psycho” on you. If you hesitate to tell a girl what you did, it’s probably because it was a stupid idea to begin with.

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The bitter taste in my mouth is still there.

You can’t hold me back.

You just can’t. This is who I am. I’ve been writing since 97. A journal about everything in my life. Then I moved onto digital journalling known as blogging to save trees. And here I am, 6.5 years into xanga, I’m older than alot of you xangan kiddies.

Here are some thoughts:

1) Unica babes, if you’re reading this, hereto a healthy competition: I will pummel your ass in the SR ladder and know that I will become number one sales at our branch. I still love you though.

2) Justin wants a property by the end of this year. And so, he will get it.

Say It Ain’t So.
My Hiatus.

So, Slutburger_with_cheese is pushing me to go on a xanga hiatus and instead of trying to alleviate the ‘hiatus’ mentality (which seems to be on most xangans’ minds nowadays anyway. Ahem, Resolc, Yosho, Fee2bme, just to name a few), he fully supports this sacrilegious behaviour against the xangan community.

Do I ever back down from a challenge?

It was a rhetorical question, but for the doubters, the answer would be “no”

But really, if one were to record the amount of time he/she would spend logged-on to xanga on a daily basis, one would realize that the time spent on xanga, could be spent on something potentially more productive and might I add,  something more fulfilling in life.

Not that I’m bad mouthing xanga or anything.

Just. You know. I want to do something that doesn’t involve staring at my screen and having to keep pressing that refresh button every five seconds  for the next four hours to see if I have new comments, messages, footprints, friend invites, updates and OHHH must we never forget, the new subscribers. Every time I gain a new subscriber, tiny waves of orgasmic seizures run through my body — and don’t tell me it doesn’t happen to you. It happens to all xanga whores and xangsters.

Yeah, we need to stop. I need to stop.

This is the end of the line for Secret_agent_nelle…
….until next time.
Slutburger will now proceed in changing my pw, so i won’t log in.

We Learn.

I learned tonight that no matter what people say, I myself included, words are just words. Actions will always always speak louder. There are so many people whom are gifted with the flow of words and whom are able to concoct a self-image that may not parallel their act, but people will always hold on to words alot longer, because it is an immediate fix to the ego and ill-faith. But it takes a stronger person and timing wise, even longer to observe the actions of others in which patience, understanding, and unbiased judgment is needed and only executed by those with great character. Only then, will the right to judgment is validated.

Sometimes, we look to judge so fast, but the real monster is in ourselves. As the saying goes, we point our finger at others, and three other fingers are pointing right back at us.

If we just stop and look at the “games” we play and all the time and effort spent on the “cheat” and “tricks” that we used to play this game, there is only the result of a “loser” that comes out of this equation.

We think we’re ahead of the game, but we’re not. And why are we playing games in the first place? We just end up hurting the people that are closest to us.

Some people say they love you, but they really don’t.
Whereas, some people say they don’t love you, but in actuality, they really do.

And some people say that they will always be there for you, and they let you down.
Whereas, some people say they won’t be there, and they end up at your doorstep when you needed somebody the most.

Only time and actions will tell the truth. Never words.

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What is?

What is love?

I remember back in highschool, there was a “What is Love?” poster plastered on one of the corner walls in the Philosophy classroom. There were quotes and opinions from well-known writers and philosopher from all over history that each took part in contributing to this poster on their ideal of love. But there was this one quote that stuck out for me, and I still remember it till this day. It’s a simple quote, but a very powerful one in my opinion.

I love you not because I need you,
I need you, because I love you.
- annonymous

You kind of have to sit and think about it for a while.

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This stupid song is in my head.

Laughing is the Best Medicine.

Being sick sucks. Laughing helps.

“Naked pictures of your Buddy’s girlfriend”

Okay, it wasn’t that funny. But it made me giggle : )

Knowing You Care.

I think a big part of relationships and having to commit to someone is so that you know that if anything ever happened, somewhere in this world, there is that one person you can always rely/count on. I’ve heard many say that it is the label that obligates the individual to do such and such, but let me assure you, if your significant other starts talking to you in this tone: “Well, of course I have to do it, *roll eyes*, I’m your boyfriend.” or “I’m going to pay for this later if I don’t do it, aren’t I”, then yeah — time to rethink about the person that you’re dating and if you really want to invest all your emotions in that one basket.

They’re doing it just because they have to.
Not because they want to.

I really do hate it when people do things out of obligation. The quality of the gesture is at its minimal because truly, they don’t reaaally give a shit. Everything is just a means to an end, and most probably, that end is not what you wanted as well. For instance, guys do certain things, like get you flowers not because you like flowers or wanted to see you smile, they just wanted to get in your pants or get you to perform some sexual favours (i’m Canadian, I spell it that way) at the end of the night. It’s their selfish end that they were gunning for. And of course, I’m not speaking on behalf of all men on this planet. (shifty eyes).

So while I was in the bathroom huddling around the toilet because I felt like I was going to throw up with all this fever and cold infesting my body, I thought to myself, I would really like my future husband or boyfriend to be able to take care of me when I’m sick. It’s really the only time when i’m truly vulnerable. I mean, if men weren’t there to take care of me and protect me, what the hell are they good for?

Entertainment? I can entertain myself.
Everything else, I can do myself.

If I ever ended up in a hospital, it’s safe/good to know that when I gain consciousness again, I will expect and know to see only one face waiting for me to get up.

And ontop of that, when I’m sick, like now, I’m needy as hell. I am basically like a five year old. FEED ME!!! VITA LEMON TEA!!! SUSHI!!! SEND TO ADDRESS BELOW!!! It’s real!!!